jokes.txt

1. 
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
*

2.
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam 
and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so 
on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she 
told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The 
child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, 
"No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
*

3.
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that 
makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
*

4.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
*

5.
Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
A: "Put it on my bill."
*

6.
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, 
how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another 
two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, 
and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and 
another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
*

7.
Q: Is Google male or female? 
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a 
suggestion.
*

8.
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a 
young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And 
what starting salary are you looking for?" 

The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the 
benefits package." 

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five 
weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching 
retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, 
say, a red Corvette?" 

The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" 

The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
*

9.
Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the 
other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. 
Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your 
Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. 

Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him 
and asked, "What are you doing?" 

"Playing a game," the boy replied. 

"What is your name?" the officer questioned. 

"Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking 
for trouble?!" 

The boy replied, "Why, yes."
*

10.
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The 
women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, 
"I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. 
If I can, I will send you a telegram." 

She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, 
she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per 
word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and 
trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word 
"comfortable." 

Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer 
from just that word?" 

The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
*

11.
A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. 
"My father grows beans," said one girl. 
"My mother cooks beans," said a boy. 
A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
*

12.
Q: Why was six scared of seven? 
A: Because seven "ate" nine.
*

13.
Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator? 
A: She couldn't find the "10" button.
*

14.
In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of 
apples, "Only take one. God is watching." 

Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, 
"Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
*

15.
Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin." 
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ." 
Kid 1: "As if." 
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister." 
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister." 
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."
*

16.
Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? 
A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
*

17.
Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds 
better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
*

18.
A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they 
died, God granted all of them one wish. 

The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers 
and it happened. 

The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. 

This want on and on throughout the group. 

God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. 

By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and 
rolling on the ground. 

When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly 
again."
*

19.
A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" 

"That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the 
dad replies. 

After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" 

"Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it's 
gone."
*

20.
Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? 
A: It's okay. He woke up.
*

21.
Q: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game? 
A: Their bats flew away.
*

22. 
There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were 
getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. 

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they 
don't forget. 

They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of 
ice cream. 

"You might want to write it down," she said. 

The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." 

She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped 
cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can 
remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." 

Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream 
and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he 
said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and 
a cherry on top." 

So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the 
kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate 
of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then 
looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"
*

23.
A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, 
"Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you 
have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours 
I will give you $5,000." 

The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many continents are 
there in the world?" 

The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. 

The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps 
with three?" 

The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and 
hands over the $5000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what 
was the answer to your question?" 

The idiot hands over $5.
*

24.
Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking 
around he heard a voice say, 

"Jes£s is watching you." 

He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, 
"Jes£s is watching you." 

In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked 
the parrot, "Was it you who said Jes£s is watching me" 

The parrot replied, "Yes." 

Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" 

The parrot said, "Clarence." 

The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named 
you Clarence?" 

The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jes£s."
*

25.
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like 
that for a half hour. 

Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink 
from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. 

The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you 
another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." 

"No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the 
worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My 
outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find 
out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go 
home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just 
drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the 
gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking 
about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison."
*

26.
Teacher: "Which book has helped you the most in your life?" 
Student: "My father's check book!"
*

27.
Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, 
what do I have?" 
Student: "A drinking problem."
*

28.
Q: Why did Adele cross the road? 
A: To sing, "Hello from the other side!"
*

29.
Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? 
A: Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
*

30.
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal 
car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates 
waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began 
to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? 

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. 
This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. 

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were 
still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it 
didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, 
St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. 

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." 

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't 
work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" 

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. 

"OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest 
up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
*

31.
Q: Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek? 
A: Because he was always spotted.
*

32.
I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger, 
and then it hit me.
*

33.
My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him 
that Buddha is not Greek.
*

34.
A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because 
it was a soft drink.
*

35.
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually 
increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes 
he can't escape and finally pulls over. 

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is 
almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll 
let you go." 

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop 
about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
*

36.
Q: What do computers eat for a snack? 
A: Microchips!
*

37.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? 
He's all right now.
*

38.
Q: What did the spider do on the computer? 
A: Made a website! 
*

39.
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,
"You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for 
a couple of minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
*

40.
A man is talking to the family doctor, "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf."
The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her 
hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she 
doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this 
until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she 
really is."
The man goes home and tries it out. 
He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" 
He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
"Honey, what's for dinner?" 
Still no answer. 
He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away 
from her.
Finally, she answers,
"For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"
*

41.
Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: who just threw that?!
Boy: Me! I'm going home now.
*

42.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." 
Next day he received a hundred letters. 
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
*

43.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. 
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
*

44.
A wife sends her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: 
"The computer is completely messed up now".
*

45. 
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
*

46.
I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and 
said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.
Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I said, "$100 and it's yours."
*

47.
Customer: "I can't seem to connect to the Internet."
Tech Support: "Ah, right. What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Netscape."
Tech Support: "No, what version of Windows are you using?"
Customer: "Uhhh.Hewlett Packard?"
Tech Support: "No, Right click on `My Computer,' and select properties 
on the menu."
Customer: "Your computer? It's my computer!"
*

48.
The box said "Requires Windows Vista or better". 
So I installed LINUX.
*

49.
This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this 
problem with passing gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It 
never smells and it's always silent. As a matter of fact I've passed 
gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't 
know I was passing gas because it doesn't smell and it's silent."

The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what 
you gave me, but now my passing gas. although still silent, it stinks 
terribly."

"Good", the doctor said, "now that we've cleared up your sinuses, we'll 
start to work on your hearing."
*

50.
Patient: "Doctor, do you think that I shall live until I am ninety?"
Doctor: "How old are you now?"
Patient: "40"
Doctor: "Do you drink, gamble, smoke or do you have any other vice?"
Patient: "No. I don't drink. I don't gamble. I don't smoke. I have no vice."
Doctor: "Then why do you want to live for another fifty years?"
*

51.
Baby Rabbit: "Mommy, where did I come from?" 
Mother Rabbit: "I ll tell you when you re older." 
Baby Rabbit: "Oh, Mommy, please, tell me now." 
Mother Rabbit: "If you must know, you were pulled from a magician's hat."
*

52.
Man: "How old is your father?"
Boy: "As old as me."
Man: "How can that be?"
Boy: "He became a father only when I was born."
*

53.
Programmer.
A machine that turns coffee into code.
*

54.
Jesus and the devil were arguing over which one of them was the better 
computer programmer.

"I am!" Jesus shouted.

"No, I am!" the devil countered.

"I am!"

"I am!"

"Me!"

"No, me!"

"EEEEEEENOUGH!" God bellowed, and the whole universe disappeared into 
darkness. When the lights came back on, two computers were sitting in 
front of them. God said "Now, whoever makes the best computer program 
in twenty minutes wins." Jesus and the devil both sat down, typing and 
clicking furiously. This went on for about 15 minutes, but then there 
was a power failure, and everything went dark. 

When everything came back up again, the computer screens were both blank.
The devil tried in vain to get back everything he had lost.
He came up empty-handed.
Jesus pressed one key and it all came back.
The devil looked at him in astonishment. "No way! How did you do that?!"
Jesus turned to him and smiled, and said "Everybody knows Jesus saves."
*

55.
There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep 
mountain road. 
The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. 
Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against 
the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff. 
They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise 
unharmed. 
The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, 
have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a 
solution." 
The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method 
never worked before. 
I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, 
isolate the problem and correct it." 
The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! 
I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it 
happens again."
*

56.
Boy: "Our principal is so stupid!"
Girl: "Don't you know who I am?"
Boy: "No?"
Girl: "I'm the principals daughter".
Boy: "Do you know who I am?"
Girl: "No."
Boy: "Good." walks away quickly
*

57.
Office executive "Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my 
mother-in-law?"
Boss "Certainly not!" 
Office executive "Thank you so much sir! I knew you would be 
understanding."
*

58.
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian 
aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the 
middle. 
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is 
it?" 
The tower responded, "Who is calling?" 
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" 
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. 
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. 
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. 
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. 
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand 
is on the 3. 
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
*

59.
A man went to his lawyer and told him, `My neighbour owes me $500 
and he won't pay up. What should I do?' 
`Do you have any proof he owes you the money?' asked the lawyer. 
`Nope,' replied the man. 
`OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $1,000 he owed you,' 
said the lawyer. 
`But it's only 500,' replied the man.
`Precisely. 
That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!'
*

60.
An old couple is at a fair an the old man sees a helicopter ride for $50. 
The old man asks his wife, "I don't have much time left. Can I take I ride
in one of them helicopters?"
His wife responds, "Oh well that's way too expensive."
The man running the helicopter rides as a pilot hears their conversation 
and makes them a deal. "Hey, I'll take you on a ride for free, but you 
can't make one sound. If you do, then you have to pay $50." says the pilot.
The couple climbs in the helicopter. 
The pilot takes off and does awesome tricks with the helicopter. 
The couple never made a sound. 
The pilot lands the helicopter and says, "Wow, impressive, usually people 
make so much noise on these rides."
The old man says, "Well, I almost made a noise when my wife fell out of 
the helicopter, but these rides are too expensive."
*

61.
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. 
The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money 
running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."
The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and 
buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. 
As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. 
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
The first guy jumps. 
He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second 
guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. 
Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces 
and comes back up again.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding. 
Again, the second guy misses him. 
The first guy falls again and bounces back up. 
This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken 
bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What 
happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 
'pinata'?"
*

62.
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead 
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat 
down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. 
Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket 
towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, 
and hands it back. 
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. 
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. 
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater 
followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams 
and he shares his. She listens. 
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to 
her place for a nightcap ......... and stay for breakfast. 
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. 
The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! 
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to 
every guy you meet?". 
"No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."
*

63.
A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk of the loan officer.
"Hi," he croaks. "What's your name?"
The loan officer says, "My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?"
"Yeah," says the frog. "I'd like to borrow some money."
The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. "Okay,
what's your name?"
The frog replies, "Kermit Jagger."
"Really?" says the loan officer. "Any relation to Mick Jagger?"
"Yeah, he's my dad."
"Hmmm," says the loan officer. "Do you have any collateral?"
The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, "Will this do?"
The loan officer says, "Um, I'm not sure. Let me go check with the 
bank manager."
"Oh, tell him I said hi," adds the frog. "He knows me."
The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, "Excuse me, sir, 
but there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow 
some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing; I'm 
not even sure what it is."
The manager says: "It's a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan; 
his old man's a Rolling Stone."
*

64.
A worker goes to his boss and says, `You have to give me a raise. 
There are three other companies after me.'
`Is that so?' says the manager. 
`And what companies are those?' 
The worker replies, `The electric company, the telephone company, 
and the gas company.'
*

65.
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. 
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
*

66.
A kindergarten teacher spent a few minutes each morning teaching a 
new word to her class. She would tell the class the word and its 
meaning, then ask them to come up with a few sentences that included 
the word for the day.

One day, the teacher said that the word for the day was "frugal."
She explained that frugal had to do with saving, and a frugal person 
is one who saves. She then asked the class to come up with a sentence 
for the word. The class seemed kind of stumped, and sat there in 
silence for a few seconds until one little girl raised her hand. 
Instead of just a sentence, she came up with a little story:

"There once was a princess who was stuck in a tall tower. 
There was a spell on all of the doors, so she couldn't get out. 
One day, she heard a young prince who was walking by and singing. 
The princess called out of the tower, 'Frugal me! Frugal me!' 
So, the prince frugaled her and they lived happily ever after."
*

67.
I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when 
I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance
she leaned over and pushed me.
*

68.
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip 
of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting 
your finger off?"
"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I 
thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not 
shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 
to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make 
a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled 
the trigger."
*

69.
Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the 
wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store. 
While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature 
and asked the clerk about it. "What's this little pocket thing here on 
the side for?" 
"Oh, that's to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick 
you up when you've jogged too far."
*

70.
A worker approaches his employer and holds up his last pay check.
`This is two hundred dollars short,' he says. 
`I know,' says the employer. `But last week I overpaid you two hundred 
dollars, and you didn't say anything.'
`Well,' says the worker. `I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when 
it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention.'
*

71.
`How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.' 
Steve Martin
*

72.
A man walked into a lawyer's office. 
"How much does your advice cost?" he asked the lawyer.
"Fifty dollars for three questions," replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "And what was your third question?"
*

73.
A snail is walking down the road, when all of a sudden two turtles 
appear. They rough up the snail, take his money, and leave him for 
dead.
Months later in the courtroom, after the two turtles have been 
arrested, the judge asks the snail to describe what happened on the 
night of the assault.
The snail says, "Gee, I would love to, your honor, but it all 
happened so fast!"
*

74.
An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How 
do you stay in such great physical condition?"
"I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy," and that's why I'm 
in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up
and down the fairways. Have a glass of vino, and all is well."
"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be 
more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"
"Who said my Dad's dead?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's 
still alive. How old is he?"
"He's 100 years old," says the old Italian golfer. "In fact he golfed 
with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, 
that's why he's still alive. he's Italian and he's a golfer too."
"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to 
it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my grandpa's dead?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your 
grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"
"He's 118 years old," says the old Italian golfer. The doctor is getting 
frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this 
morning too?"
"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married! Why 
would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"
"Who said he wanted to?"
*

75.
Just been to the gym and there's a new machine. 
Only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick. 
Its good though, it does everything 'Kitkats, Mars bars, 
Snickers and crisps'!
*

76.
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old 
lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. 
The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. 
This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of 
these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" 

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always 
wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. 
Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to 
visit?" 

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics 
of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? 
Think of how much concrete... how much steel!! No, think of another 
wish." 

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. 

Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives 
always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that 
I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're 
thinking when they give me the silent treatment... know why they're 
crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'... know how 
to make them truly happy...." 

The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"
*

77.
A race of aliens visits earth one day; they come in peace and 
surprisingly, they speak English. 

Obviously all of the heads of government and religious leaders 
want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our 
new visitors. 

When it's the pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our lord 
and savior Jesus Christ?"

"You mean J.C?", responds the alien. "yeah we know him he's the 
greatest isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we 
are doing ok". 

Surprised, the pope follows up with "He visits every year?! It's 
been over 2 millenia and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!"

The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and 
starts trying to rationalize "Maybe he likes our chocolate better 
than yours?"

The pope retorts "Chocolates? What are you talking about? What 
does that have to do with anything?"

The alien says "Yea, when he FIRST visited our planet we gave him 
a huge box of chocolates. Why? What did you guys do?"
*

78.
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking 
her poodle along for company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers 
that he's lost. 

Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in 
his direction.

The poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!" 

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down 
to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. 

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, 
that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around 
here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of 
terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 

"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby 
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for 
protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him 
heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something 
must be up. 

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes 
a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, 
hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!"

Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and 
thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog 
sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them 
yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.

"Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says, "I sent him off an hour ago 
to bring me another leopard!"
*

79.
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking 
about baseball. 

Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a 
deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in 
Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. 

Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and 
hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol... ."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
*

80.
One day, Little Johnny's grandmother sent him to the water hole to get some 
water for cooking dinner. 

As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He 
dropped the bucket and ran back to grandma's house as fast as he could. 

"Where's my bucket and my water?" She asked.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, there's a mean ol' alligator 
down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for years, 
and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are 
of him!"

"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, 
then that water ain't fit to drink!"
*

81.
A magician worked on a cruise ship. 

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks 
over and over again. 

There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week 
and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he 
understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's 
not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" 
or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" 

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the 
captain's parrot. 

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, 
drowning almost all who were on board. 

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the 
middle of the sea, as fate would have it... with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. 

This went on for a day... and then 2 days and then 3 days. 

Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and 
said... "OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"
*

82.
Two blondes went to the pound where each adopted a puppy. 

The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they 
got home and the first blonde said, "I think we're in trouble, how 
are we going to tell them apart?"

This lead to several hours of concentration until finally, the second 
blonde said, "I've got an idea. We'll tie a red bow around my puppy 
and a blue bow around yours."

The next day the first blonde comes running up to the second when she 
got home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose. They've pulled 
the ribbons off while they were playing."

"OK, we need to find a better way to tell them apart," says the second 
blonde. 

After several more hours of concentration, they came up with the bright 
idea of getting different colored collars.

Again, the next day, the first blonde comes running up to the second as 
soon as she gets home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose puppy is whose. They've 
pulled their collars off while they were playing."

"There's got to be some way to tell them apart," says the second blonde.

After several more hours of concentration, the first blonde finally comes 
up with another idea, "I know! Why don't you take the black one and I'll 
take the white one!"
*

83.
Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other, "Are 
we poisonous?"

The other replied, "You're darn right we are! We're rattlesnakes. 
Why do you ask?"

To which the first replied, "Because I just bit my tongue"
*

84.
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor 
peered over the fence. 

Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked: 
"What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died", replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, 
"and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned: "That's an awfully big hole for a 
goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied: "That's 
because he's inside your cat!"
*

85.
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a 
pet that can do everything.
The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want 
a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, 
but okay. I'll try a centipede." 

He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and. it's immaculate! 
All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the 
counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed. 
He's absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. 
The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows 
on the sofa plumped, plants watered.
The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. 
This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, 
"Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door. 

Ten minutes later.no centipede.
Twenty minutes later. no centipede. 
Thirty minutes later. no centipede.
By this point the man is wondering what's going on. 
The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 
Forty five minutes later. still no centipede!
He can't imagine what could have happened. 
Did the centipede run away? 
Did it get run over by a car? 
Where is that centipede?

So he goes to the front door, opens it.and there's the centipede sitting 
right outside.
The man says, "Hey! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago 
to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"
*

86.
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and order a sandwich. 
He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. 
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are 
you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" 
The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" 
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for 
Panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by 
distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
*

87.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 
"My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" 
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him." 
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. 
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." 
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?" 
"No, because he's really heavy."
*

88.
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender.
"Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"
"She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'"
*

89.
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and 
parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him 
about where he ot it.
He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted 
until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats 
behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"
*

90.
I was just told that my dog chased someone on a bicycle and bit him.
That's bull, my dog can't even ride a bicycle.
*

91.
Man decides to buy a pet, but does not know what he wants as a pet, 
so he goes to the pet shop in search of a pet. 

He sees cats in a cage dogs on another cage spiders, rabbits, frogs, 
birds, fish in aquariums and finally he sees a very colorful parrot 
in the corner of the store and he goes to the area where the parrot 
was and salesman asks him, "Are you interested in this parrot?" 
The man says, "Does he talk?" 
The salesman says, "If you pull his left leg he will say 'Our Father' 
and if you pull his right leg, he will say 'hailmary'!" 
The man says, "What will the parrot say if I pull both legs at the 
same time?" 
The parrot says, "I'll fall on my ass, stupid!"
*

92.
Two hikers are out hiking. 
All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. 
They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. 
The first hiker gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting 
them on. 
The second hiker says, "What are you doing?" 
The first responds, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we ll have 
to jump down and make a run for it." 
The second says, "Are you crazy? Don't you know you can't outrun a bear?"
The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear... 
I only have to outrun you!"
*

93.
There was a man driving a pickup truck down a country road, when suddenly 
he was broad sided by a trailer truck. 
Some time went by, and the case got to court. 
The defense attorney said to the plaintiff, "How can you be suing my client 
now when you told a trooper after the accident that you felt fine?"
The man replied. "Well sir, it was like this. We was driving down the road, 
minding our own business, when a big trailer truck came out of nowhere and 
creamed us. When I came to, I was in the ditch, and a trooper was pulling 
up with his car. He looked at the hogs, and they was most dead, so he shot 
them. Then he looked at my dog, and he was hurt real bad, so he shot him."
Then he came over to me and he said, "How you feeling?" 
I said, "I never felt better in my life."
*

94.
After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier 
carrying two lobsters in a bucket. 
He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they 
are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these 
lobsters jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the 
end of the day."

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish 
without a license. 
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me 
then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they 
will come out of the water."
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"
*

95.
What goes black white black white...?
A penguin rolling down a hill! 
What's black and white and laughing? 
The penguin who pushed him!
*

96.
Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback. 

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently 
intoxicated that he could barely walk. 

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the 
officer quietly observing. 

After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different 
vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. 

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar 
and drove off. 

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, 
dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked 
the horn and then switched on the lights. 

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then 
remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' 
vehicles left. 

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out 
and drove slowly down the road. 

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up 
his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man 
over and administered a breathalyser test. 

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had 
consumed any alcohol at all! 

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the 
police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. 
"Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
*

97.
An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they 
decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember 
things by association. 

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his 
neighbor about how much the class helped him. 

"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor. 

"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, 
you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, 
what's that flower's name?" 

"A rose?" asked the neighbor. "Yes, that's it," replied the old man. 

He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the 
name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"
*

98.
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached 
Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. 
They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, 
the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please 
settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very 
slowly?" 
She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."
*

99.
Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? 
A: Envelope.
*

100.
During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). 
When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed 
delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then 
blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a 
seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. 
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went 
to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and 
the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the 
room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one 
go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running 
over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and 
fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I 
ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping 
my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on 
releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure 
was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end 
of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my 
napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very 
relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of 
innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He 
asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had 
not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests 
seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, 
"Happy Birthday!"
*

101.
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" 
He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." 
The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, 
love you too."
*

102.
A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, 
"Give me all the money or you're geography!" 

The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're 
history?'" 

The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
*

103.
An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. 
He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he 
begins to talk with the IRS agent. 

"I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" 

The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old 
man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is 
dumbfounded. 

The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. 

The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more 
agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. 

Then the old man finally wagers, "I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far 
side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, 
without missing a single drop." 

The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man 
indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS 
agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner 
moaning. 

"Are you all right?" asks the agent. 

"No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk 
and you'd be happy about it!"
*

104.
If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. 
They're normally around 90 degrees.
*

105.
Brunette: "Where were you born?" 
Blonde: "The United States." 
Brunette: "Which part?" 
Blonde: "My whole body."
*

106.
A: I have the perfect son. 
B: Does he smoke? 
A: No, he doesn't. 
B: Does he drink whiskey? 
A: No, he doesn't. 
B: Does he ever come home late? 
A: No, he doesn't. 
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? 
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
*

107.
Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize.
*

108.
If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God, does that mean 
Mary had a little lamb?
*

109.
I have a stepladder. I never knew my real ladder.
*

110.
Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, 
what do you have? 
A: Big hands.
*

111.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. 
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert 
it. Later they get together. 

The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the 
Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first 
communion." 

"I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached 
God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize 
him." 

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body 
cast. 

"Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn't have started with the 
circumcision."
*

112.
A drunk walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. 
The bartender says, "You can stay but don't try to start anything."
*

113.
Q: What's the best thing about Switzerland? 
A: I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
*

114.
Why did the chicken cross the playground? 
To get to the other slide!!
*

115.
Q: Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil? 
A: Because it's pointless!
*

116.
A man was driving and saw a truck stalled on the side of the highway 
that had ten penguins standing next to it. The man pulled over and 
asked the truck driver if he needed any help. 

The truck driver replied, "If you can take these penguins to the zoo 
while I wait for AAA that will be great!" 

The man agreed and the penguins hopped into the back of his car. 

Two hours later, the trucker was back on the road again and decided 
to check on the penguins. He showed up at the zoo and they weren't 
there! He headed back into his truck and started driving around the 
town, looking for any sign of the penguins, the man, or his car. While 
driving past a movie theater, the truck driver spotted the guy walking 
out with the ten penguins. 

The truck driver yelled, "What are you doing? You were supposed to take 
them to the zoo!" 

The man replied, "I did and then I had some extra money so I took them 
to go see a movie."
*

117.
A Spanish captain was walking on his ship when a soldier rushes to him 
and exclaims, "An enemy ship is approaching us!" 

The captain replies calmly, "Go get my red shirt." 

The soldier gets the shirt for the captain. The enemy ship comes in and 
heavy rounds of fire are exchanged. Finally, the Spaniards win. 

The soldier asks, "Congrats sir, but why the red shirt?" 

The captain replies, "If I got injured, my blood shouldn't be seen, as 
I didn't want my men to lose hope." 

Just then, another soldier runs up and says, "Sir, we just spotted 
another twenty enemy ships!" 

The captain calmly replies, "Go bring my yellow pants."
*

118.
Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are 
having babies. 

A nurse approaches the first guy and says, "Congratulations! 
You're the father of twins." 

"That's odd," answers the man. "I work for the Minnesota Twins!" 

A nurse then yells the second man, "Congratulations! 
You're the father of triplets!" 

"That's weird," answers the second man. "I work for the 3M company!" 

A nurse goes up to the third man saying, "Congratulations! 

You're the father of quadruplets." 
"That's strange," he answers. "I work for the Four Seasons hotel!" 

The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall. 

"What's wrong?" the others ask. 

"I work for 7 Up!"
*

119.
Paddy and Murphy are havin' a pint in the pub, when some scuba divers 
come on the TV. 

Paddy says, "Murphy, why is it them deep sea divers always sit on the 
side of the boat with them air tanks on their backs, and fall backwards 
out of the boat?" 

Murphy thinks for a minute then says, "That's easy. It's 'cos if they 
fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin boat!"
*

120.
A lot of people cry when they cut an onion. 
The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
*

121.
Q: What's red and bad for your teeth? 
A: A brick.
*

122.
The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
*

123.
Patient: "I get a terrible pain in my eye when I drink a cup of coffee." 
Doctor: "Try taking the spoon out."
*

124.
Q: How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? 
A: Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
*

125.
Q: Why did the tofu cross the road? 
A: To prove he wasn't chicken.
*

126.
Q: What did the math book say to its therapist? 
A: I've got a lot of problems.
*

127.
Q: What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it 
hits your windshield? 
A: Its butt.
*

128.
Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes? 
A: A fsh.
*

129.
Q. What do you do if attacked by a clan of clowns?

A. Go for the juggler.
*

130.
A magician was driving down the road... then he turned into a driveway.
*

131.
Son: "Dad, there is someone at the door to collect donations for 
a community swimming pool." 
Father: "Okay, give him a glass of water."
*

132.
A young boy is pulling his wagon up a hill when one of the back wheels 
falls off and rolls down the hill. 

The young boy says, "I'll be darned." 

A local pastor heard him and said, "You should not say that. Next time 
your wheel falls off say, 'Praise the Lord.'" 

So the next day the young boy is pulling his wagon up the hill and the 
wheel falls off and rolls down the hill. The young boy says, "Praise 
the Lord." 

The wheel stops rolling, turns around, rolls back up the hill and puts 
itself back on the wagon. 

The young boy being very surprised by this exclaims, "I'll be darned!"
*

133.
Bob: "Have you seen the movie Constipation?" 
Jim: "No, it hasn't come out yet."
*

134.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, 
so they lit a fire in the craft. 
Unsurprisingly it sank, 
proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
*

135.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
*

136.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer. 
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
*

137.
They say you can never judge a book by its cover. 
But it's the only way to judge a tribute band.
*

138.
Q: What computer sings the best? 
A: A Dell.
*

139.
What kind of sushi does Lady Gaga eat? Raw, raw, raw, raw, rawwww!
*

140.
Q: What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? 
A: Guardians of the Galaxy.
*

141.
When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with 
The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.
*

142.
How do you find Ronald McDonald at a nude beach? 
You look for the sesame seed buns!
*

143.
The Lone Ranger woke to see his tent blown away by a tornado. 
He declared, "Tonto, we're not in canvas anymore."
*

144.
I wonder what Edward Scissorhands thinks of touchscreen technology.
*

145.
How do you wake up Lady Gaga? 
Poke'r Face.
*

146.
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and asks for a martini. 
The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"
*

147.
I surf the web a lot, and I guess I was using too much bandwidth, 
because the other day I got an automated phone call from my service 
provider. It was The Rolling Stones singing, 
"Hey, you. Get off of my cloud!"
*

148.
Q: how many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: none, that's a hardware problem
*

149.
Q. How did the programmer die in the shower?
A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
*

150.
A programmer's wife sends him to the grocery store with the instructions, 
"get a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen." 
He comes home with a dozen loaf of bread and tells her, "they had eggs."
*

151.
Two fonts walk into a bar. 
The bartender says to them, "Get out! We don't serve your type here."
*

152.
Pat was dying. His wife, Kristi, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by 
his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her 
praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips 
began to move slightly. "My darling Kristi," he whispered. 

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk." 

He was insistent. "Kristi," he said in his tired voice. "I...I Have 
something I must confess to you." 

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Kristi. "Everything's 
all right, go to sleep." 

"No, no. I must die in peace, Kristi. I...I slept with your sister, your 
best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," Kristi whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."
*

153.
What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
Nothing, it just gave out a little wine.
*

154.
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
*

155.
I've just been diagnosed as colorblind.
I know, it certainly has come out of the purple.
*

156.
I used to hate facial hair,
bet then it grew on me.
*

157.
Don't trust atoms
They make up everything
*

158.
I'm reading a book on the history of glue.
I just can't seem to put it down.
*

159.
This graveyard looks overcrowded,
people must be dying to get in there
*

160.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
*

161.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
*

162.
Last night I dreamt I was a muffler,
I woke up exhausted.
*

163.
I hate jokes about German sausages,
They're the wurst.
*

164.
Two satellites decided to get married.
The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible.
*

165.
Wanna hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearable.
*

166.
I am terrified of elevators,
I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.
*

167.
Did you hear about the juy who invented the knock knock joke?
He won the 'no-bell' prize.
*

168.
Have you heard of the band '1023MB'?
They haven't got a gig yet.
*

169.
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a 
couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said "lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice 
roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" 

Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' 
these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw 
the bottles under the seat". 

"What fer?", asked Bubba. 

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl. 

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, 
and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, 
the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" 

"No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch"!
*

170.
There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine 
and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench 
his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the 
machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet 
Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine. 

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and 
inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she 
pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic 
and 50 cents change. 

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied 
it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain 
Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who 
had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. 

"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" 

She looked at him and indignantly replied: 
"Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning" 
*

171.
A blonde from California decides to try horseback riding, even though 
she has had no lessons or prior experience.  She mounts the horse 
unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.  It gallops 
along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from 
the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a 
firm grip.  She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but
she slides down the side of the horse anyway.  The horse gallops along, 
seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.  Finally, giving up her 
frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself 
to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now 
at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against 
the ground over and over.  As her head is battered against the ground, 
she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune 

. . . the Supermarket manager sees her and shuts the horse off.
*

172.
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. 
If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
*

173.
What did the fisherman say to the card magician?
Pick a cod, any cod!
*

174.
She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.
*

175.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class 
because it was a weapon of math disruption.
*

176.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was in tents.
*

177.
Husband: "Oh the weather is lovely today. 
Shall we go out for a quick jog?"

Wife: "Hahaha, I love the way you pronounce 
`Shall we go out and have a cake'!"
*

178.
A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% 
are too lazy to actually read that number.
*

179.
A man hired a lawyer when he got sued by his company for embezzlement 
of many millions. At the beginning of the process, the lawyer kindly 
reassured him: "Don't worry, you'll never go to jail with that amount
of money."

And the lawyer was right. When the man did go to jail eventually, 
he didn't have a penny anymore.
*

180.
Just came home from a training session. Two hours on the treadmill 
did me really good. If only I could somehow stop the constant beeping 
and the irritated comments of the cashier.
*

181.
"Mom, don't get alarmed, but I'm at the hospital."

"Son, please. You've been a surgeon there for 8 years now. 
Can we start our phone calls differently?"
*

182.
Man to his wife: "Do you know what our 6 year old son 
wants to be once he's big?" 

Wife: "No."

Man: "A garbage man. And you know why?"

Wife: "No, why?"

Man: "Because he thinks they only work on Tuesdays."
*

183.
In a boutique:

Could I try the dress in the shop window, please?

I'm sorry madam but no. We have fitting rooms for that.
*

184.
Mother: Eat your bread. 

Child: I don't like bread. Why do I have to eat the bread.

Mother: So you become big and strong.

Child: Why do I have to become big and strong?

Mother: So you can provide the daily bread to your family. 

Child: But I don't like bread!
*

185.
A guy calls the fire department and yells excitedly: 
"You have to come, now, there's a fire!" 

"OK sir, but please tell us how do we get to you."

The man asks, puzzled: 
"What, you don't have them big red trucks anymore?"
*

186.
Life Hack: 

If you're tired of waiting at a restaurant, 
just call their number and ask if they also deliver to table 16.
*

187.
The local minister sees that every morning, some apples on 
his tree are missing. He makes a sign:

God sees everything. 

The next morning, somebody writes under it: Yes, but he's 
not a snitch.
*

188.
An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife 
rings him on his cell phone. 

"Honey," she says in a worried voice, "please be careful. There 
was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong 
way down the highway." 

"Oh it's worse than that," he replies, "there are hundreds of them!"
*

189.
Daddy reads some bedtime stories to make little Jonny fall 
asleep. 

Half an hour later mommy opens quietly the door and asks: 
"And, is he asleep?"

Little Jonny answers: "Yes, finally."
*

190.
A man asks a farmer near a field, "Sorry sir, would you mind if I 
crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to 
catch the 4:23 train."

The farmer says, "Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, 
you'll even catch the 4:11 one."
*

191.
I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper. She told me that 
newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets 
nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn't stand a chance. 
*

192.
Optimist: The glass is half full.

Pessimist: The glass is half empty.

Mother: Why didn't you use a coaster!
*

193.
How many gorillas can fit into a car?

Eight.

How many chickens can fit into the car? 

None, the car is already full of gorillas. 
*

194.
Sleep with an open window tonight! 

-1400 mosquitos like that. 
-420 mosquitos commented on it. 
-210 mosquitos shared this. 

-One mosquito invited for the event. 
-2800 mosquitos will be attending the event.
*

195.
In a boomerang shop: "I'd like to buy a new boomerang please. 
Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?"
*

196.
Mr. Smith: "Doctor, you remember this strengthening solution 
you prescribed me yesterday?"
 
Doctor: "Yes, what's the matter?"
 
Mr. Smith: "I would like to use it but I can't open the bottle!"
*

197.
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, 
talking in an interesting accent. 

So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" 

One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, dumbo!" 

So I corrected myself, "Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?" 

That's about as far as I remember.
*

198.
I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today. 
That's 7 years in a row now.
*

199.
A naked women robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.
*

200.
I thought I'd tell you a good time travel joke - but you didn't like it.
*

201.
Guest at a restaurant: "I refuse to eat this roastbeef. 
Please call the manager! "

Waiter: "That's no use. He won't eat it either."
*

202.
So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we're having a baby. 
For instance my name, address and telephone number!
*

203.
I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, 
apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea. 
I can't stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.
*

204.
A woman in a bikini reveals about 90% of her body.... 
and yet most men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
*

205.
Little Johnny asks his father: 
"Where does the wind come from?"

"I don't know."
 
"Why do dogs bark?"

"I don't know."

"Why is the earth round?"

"I don't know."

"Does it disturb you that I ask so much?"

"No son. Please ask. Otherwise you will never learn anything."
*

206.
They threw me out of the cinema today for bringing my own food. 
But come on - the prices are way too high, 
plus I haven't had a barbecue in months.  
*

207.
Two guys are out hunting in the woods when one of them collapses. 
He doesn't appear to be breathing, his eyes are glazed over. 
The other man pulls out his phone with trembling fingers and calls 911. 
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" 

The operator says "Please stay calm. I will help you. 
First of all, let's make sure he's dead."
 
There's a silence, then a gun shot. The guy gets back on the phone 
and says "OK, now what?"
*

208.
Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever 
somebody tells a lie. 

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, "So, 
you were at school today, right?"

Son: "Yeah."

Detector: "Beep."

Son: "OK, OK, I was in a cinema."

Detector: "Beep."

Son: "Alright, I went for a beer with my friends."

Father: "What?! At your age, I wouldn't touch alcohol!"

Detector: "Beep."

Mother laughs: "Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!"

Detector: "Beep."
*

209.
A wife is like a hand grenade. 
Take off the ring and say good bye to your house.
*

210.
Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? 
There was no chemistry.
*

211.
I'm certain there are female hormones in beer. 
When I drink too much, I talk nonsense and I cannot control my car.
*

212.
I got another letter from this lawyer today. It said "Final Notice". 
Good that he will not bother me anymore. 
*

213.
Today I went to a barber's shop for a shave. The barber asked me 
to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer 
shave around my cheeks.

I asked: "But what if I swallow the ball?"

He replied: "No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow 
like everybody else."
*

214.
An optimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and thinks 
it's an exit. 

A pessimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and assumes 
it is an onrushing train. 

The train conductor sees two stupid guys staggering on 
train tracks.
*

215.
Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a 
funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops 
mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in 
contemplation. 
 
His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I've 
ever seen. You are a very feeling man." 

The man, recovering himself, replies, 
"Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
*

216.
A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.
 
"That won't help you, Joe, you know?"

"Oh it helps a lot," says the man, 
"it's the only way I can see the numbers!"
*

217.
Today I found my first grey pubic hair. I got really excited, 
but not as much as the other people in the lift.
*

218.
Yes, money cannot buy you happiness, but I'd still feel a lot more 
comfortable crying in a new BMW than on a bike.
*

219.
Last night I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.
 
At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat 
litter box this morning.
*

220.
Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming 
trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot 
to mention one thing! 

Father: Really, what?

Boy: That the potato should go in the front.
*

221.
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of 
silence, one of them says, "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we ever 
got to the accident site."
*

222.
A nice old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He's happy to 
take some. He asks her after a while why she isn't having any herself.

"Oh, young man," she says, "they're too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn't."

"Why did you buy them at all then?" wonders the driver.

"You see, I just love the chocolate they're covered in!"
*

223.
My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling 
insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his feces on the wall. 
I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.
*

224.
An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells, "Please come quickly! Kailey 
is pregnant and her labor started now, it's really intense!"
 
"Is this her first child?" asks the operator.
 
"No you dumbass! It's her husband!"
*

225.
The Queen takes the visiting pope for a ride in a carriage through London. 
 
Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly. 
"I am terribly sorry," apologizes the embarrassed Queen. 

The pope replies, "Oh don't worry, if you hadn't said anything, 
I'd just think it was the horse!"
*

226.
A man to a psychiatrist: "How do you select who should be admitted 
to your facility?" 

The psychiatrist replies: "We fill a bathtub with water and give the 
person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty 
the bathtub." 

The man smiles: "Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the 
bucket." 

The Psychiatrist replies: "No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want 
a room with or without a balcony?"
*

227.
A guy asks his neighbor in an apartment building: "Mr Trepper, you live 
directly above me and you have the same 2-room apartment as I do. How 
many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in?

"We got 18 rolls," answers the neighbor.

Two months later the guy meets his neighbor again and says, "It's really 
funny - I put the wallpaper on everywhere and I still had 10 rolls left 
over."

Neighbor smiles, "Yeah, so did we."
*

228.
The person who thought it's a good idea to put the light switch 
outside of the bathroom clearly didn't have any siblings.
*

229.
My wife left me, went away. At first I was sad, lonely and didn't know 
what to do with myself. But I bought a motorbike, threw a wild, loud 
party and got to meet some other women. I think my wife may not be so 
pleased when she comes back again from work.
*

230.
"Granny, why do you read obituaries every day?

Don't worry grandson. I just want to see who is single again.
*

231.
It is evening. Little Johnny and his friend are sitting by a camp fire.

They've been plagued by swarms of mosquitoes already for an hour and 
the assault only worsens when the darkness sets in.

Suddenly, fireflies appear. Little Johnny swears: "These darn mosquitoes! 
Now they've even brought lanterns with them to find us!"
*

232.
Why do dolphins swim in salt water? 

Because pepper water would make them sneeze.
*

233.
We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. 
It's SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.
*

234.
This summer, I'm going to go to the beach and bury 
metal objects that say "Get a life" on them.
*

235.
My flight was delayed in Houston. Since the gate was needed for another 
flight, our aircraft was backed away from the terminal, and we were 
directed to a new gate. We all found the new gate, only to discover a 
third gate had been designated for our plane.

Finally, everyone got on board the right plane, and the flight attendant 
announced: "We apologize for the gate change. This flight is going to 
Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., you should 
deplane at this time."

A moment later a red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his 
bags. "Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."
*

236.
I couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, 
so I called the airlines to get prices. "Airfare to Denver is $300," the 
cheery salesperson replied.

"And what about Salt Lake City?"

"We have a really great rate to Salt Lake-$99," she said "But there is 
a stopover."

"Where?"

"In Denver," she said.
*

237.
Client to designer: "It doesn't really look purple. 
It looks more like a mixture of red and blue."
*

238.
Scene: A radio newsroom.

Caller: I just wanted to let you know you're off the air.

Host: Yes, we know. The engineers are working on it.

Caller: It would be nice if you put something on the air that says that.
*

239.
A man called, furious about an Orlando, Florida, vacation package we 
had booked for him: He was 'expecting an ocean-view hotel room'. I 
explained that was not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of 
the state. "Don't lie to me," he said. "I looked on the map, and 
Florida is a very thin state."
*

240.
My ESL students try so hard and are so appreciative. One student paid 
me the ultimate compliment when she said, "You teach English good." 
Another assured me, "I will always forget you." 
And a third insisted, "I thank you from the heart of my bottom."
*

241.
"Halt!" shouted our drill instructor. He had noticed that, for the 
umpteenth time, a recruit kept going to his right on a left command. 
Our instructor approached the directionally challenged Marine and 
stomped on his left foot. "Now," he said, "when I say `left,' it's 
the one that hurts."
*

242.
Scene: Inside a Best Buy store.

Customer: Can you help me? I'm looking for a shredder.

Coworker: We have all types of shredders. 
What will you be shredding primarily?

Customer: Collard greens.
*

243.
I tried to explain to a client why I couldn't help him with a project 
that was written in a program code that I didn't know.

"Let's say you're asking me to write something in a specific language. 
Now, I'm fluent in English and Spanish, but your project is in Chinese. 
Since I don't understand Chinese, I'm not your best option. You need 
someone who is fluent in this specific language. See?"

He said he did and thanked me.

The next morning, I got a call from another developer asking, "Why is 
So-and-So asking us if we're fluent in Chinese?"
*

244.
You're sending me something via fax? 
What is it, an important document from 1993?
*

245.
A student seeking a job at our university was handed an application. 
He dutifully filled out his name and address. When it came to the 
entry "length of residence," he wrote: "Approximately 30 feet."
*

246.
A woman called the Colorado State Division of Wildlife regarding a snake 
in her backyard. "Can you tell me what kind it is?" she asked.

"Can you describe it?" I asked.

"Yes," she said. "It's long and thin."
*

247.
One of our interns asked another if she was planning to sign up for 
the company's 401(k).

"I'm considering it," replied the second intern.

Later, the first intern approached me looking concerned.

"I did the math," she said, "and 401K is almost 250 miles. 
She'll never make it!"
*

248.
Our boss asked the new mail-room guy to make three copies of an office 
key. The guy returned ten minutes later with the copies . 
which he'd made on the Xerox machine.
*

249.
Shane works in the deli department of a large supermarket chain, where 
he often finds himself in trouble. Just look at the notes management 
has supposedly written to him:

"Shane, stop putting Some Assembly Required stickers on the eight-piece 
chickens."

"Shane, any free samples you give must come from the deli, not 
electronics."

"Shane, when a customer asks where to find a product, give them an 
aisle number, not directions to Albertsons."
*

250.
The note left on the office refrigerator was addressed to 
"The culprit who ate what you thought were two peanut butter 
ice cream bars."

We'll skip over the details and go straight to the signature: 
"Love, Constipated-Dog Owner."
*

251.
I spent four years in college. I didn't learn a thing. It was really 
my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.
*

252.
My favorite part of the conference call was the first 20 minutes of 
"Who just joined?"
*

253.
A customer walked up to my bank window and asked me to cash a check.

"Of course," I said. "But I'll need to see ID."

She dug though her purse and handed me a snapshot.

"That's me in the middle," she said.
*

254.
I work in IT. A customer asked me if a string of numbers I'd read 
off was upper- or lowercase.

Someone once asked, "Is this the museum?" I work at a pool.

A few of the things customers have asked for at our art-supply 
store include disco balls, trees, and crucifixion wood.

I'm a butcher. A woman asked if she could sleep in our freezer to 
test out a heavy-duty sleeping bag before a trip to the Himalayas.
*

255.
Phlebotomist: I'm here to draw some blood.

Patient: But I just received blood yesterday.

Phlebotomist: You didn't think you'd get to keep it, did you?
*

256.
One of my fourth-grade students told me he had trouble with math. 
His explanation summed it up well: "The guy next to me always gets 
ten out of ten on his quizzes, and I get only ten out of four."
*

257.
I could barely understand my client due to a lousy phone connection.

"Sorry," he said. "I have the AT&T every-other-word plan."
*

258.
Reddit.com asked workers: What is rule number one in your profession? 
Here's what came back:

Plumber: "Don't chew your fingernails."
Roofer: "You are fired before you hit the ground."
Camp counselor: "Don't lose the kid."
Scuba diver: "If it moves, it wants to kill you."
Photographer: "Take the lens cap off."
*

259.
When a woman applies for a job at a citrus grove, the foreman asks, 
"Do you have any experience picking lemons?"

"Well," she answers, "I've been divorced three times."
*

260.
Applicants for jobs at the company where my friend Diana works are 
asked to fill out a questionnaire. Among the things candidates list 
is their high school and when they attended. One prospective employee 
dutifully wrote the name of his high school, followed by the dates 
attended: "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday."
*

261.
While I was assigned to the space shuttle program, my job included 
ordering supplies. One of the engineers requested a new dictionary. 
Following regulations, I asked him why he needed it.

I expected his answer to be "My old copy is lost" or "The cover is 
falling off." Instead he said, "My current edition defines 
spaceship as an `imaginary aircraft.'"

He got his new dictionary.
*

262.
I called a temp agency looking for work, and they asked if I had any 
phone skills. I said, "I called you, didn't I?"
*

263.
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

"I have an interesting case here," he says. "A woman shot her husband 
for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

"Have you arrested her?" asks the sergeant.

"No, not yet. The floor's still wet."
*

264.
A Scottish mother visits her son in his New York City apartment and 
asks, "How do you find the Americans, Donald?"

"Mother," says Donald, "they're such noisy people. One neighbor won't 
stop banging his head against the wall, while the other screams and 
screams all night long."

"Oh, Donald! How do you manage to put up with them?"

"What can I do? I just lie in bed quietly, playing my bagpipes."
*

265.
My daughter-in-law was driving on the freeway when the sight of 
flashing lights in her rearview mirror made her pull over.

"Do you know why I stopped you?" asked the state trooper. 
"You were going 85 miles per hour."

"Impossible," she argued. "I had my cruise control set at 82!"
*

266.
During my mother's memorial, my five-year-old granddaughter could 
not stop staring at the urn that contained her ashes.

"Is that really Great-grandma in there?" she asked her mother.

"Yes, it is."

"Funny," she said. "I always thought she was taller."
*

267.
We had just finished tucking our five kids into bed when three-year-old 
Billy began to wail. Turns out, he had accidentally swallowed a penny 
and was sure he was going to die. Desperate to calm him, my husband 
palmed a penny that he had in his pocket and pretended to pull it from 
Billy's ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my 
husband's hand, swallowed it, and demanded, "Do it again!"
*

268.
After a rough day spent corralling my rowdy kids, I'd had enough.

"I think I'm going to sell them," I hissed to my sister.

"You're crazy," she said.

"For thinking of selling them?"

"For thinking someone would buy them."
*

269.
Two babies are sitting in their cribs, when one baby asks the other, 
"Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

The other baby shrugs. "I don't know how to tell the difference."

"I do," says the first baby. He carefully climbs out of his crib and 
into the other crib, then disappears beneath the blankets. After a 
few seconds, he resurfaces.

"You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he says.

"How can you tell?"

"Easy. You've got pink booties, and I've got blue ones."
*

270.
This couple was heading to the hospital with their 16-year-old daughter, 
who was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride they talked 
about the procedure.

"Dad," the teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open 
during surgery?"

Without hesitation her father quipped, "They're going to give you a 
phone."
*

271.
My cooking has always been the target of family jokes. One evening, 
as I prepared dinner a bit too quickly, the kitchen filled with smoke 
and the smoke detector went off. Although both of my children had 
received fire-safety training at school, they did not respond to the 
alarm. Annoyed, I stormed through the house in search of them. I 
found them in the bathroom, washing their hands.

Over the loud buzzing of the smoke alarm, I asked them to identify 
the sound.

"It's the smoke detector," they replied in unison.

"Do you know what that sound means?" I demanded.

"Sure," my oldest replied. "Dinner's ready."
*

272.
My daughter had absentmindedly left her sneakers on our kitchen table. 
"That's disgusting," my husband grumbled. "Doesn't she realize we eat 
off that table?" Then he went out back to work on the car.

I cleaned the table and left to do my grocery shopping. When I came 
home I couldn't set my bags down anywhere. Sitting in the middle of 
the kitchen table was a car muffler.
*

273.
It seemed that all our appliances had broken in the same week, and 
repairs were straining our budget. So when I picked up the kids from 
school and our Jeep started making rattling sounds, I decided that 
rather than burden my husband, I'd deal with it. I hadn't reckoned 
on my little tattletales, however. They rushed into the house with 
the news: "Daddy, the Jeep was breaking down, but Mom made the noise 
stop!"

Impressed, my husband asked, "How did you fix it?"

"I turned up the volume on the radio," I confessed.
*

274.
If growing up in the '80s taught me one thing, it's that my friends 
and I should have found a treasure map by now.
*

275.
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if 
the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
*

276.
My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended 
purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal 
slotted spoon and a spatula, so I use it as both. When not in use, it 
is prominently displayed in a decorative ceramic utensil caddy in my 
kitchen.

The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one 
in its original packaging at a rummage sale.

It's a pooper-scooper.
*

277.
When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law 
answered, "Marc, with a C." Minutes later, he was handed his coffee 
with his name written on the side: Cark.
*

278.
I'm writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out 
with: "I heard from this guy who told somebody ."
*

279.
Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? 
It's hardly ever for them.
*

280.
We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. 
They could call it On Anon Anon.
*

281.
Q: What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

A: Diddly-squats.
*

282.
After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports 
back to the farmer: "All 40 accounted for."

"But I only have 36 sheep," says the farmer.

"I know," says the sheepdog. "But I rounded them up."
*

283.
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?

"Curses! Foil again!"
*

284.
New and Improved Names for Boring Everyday Things

Couch = People Shelf

Books = Manual Films

Bracelets = Clockless Watches

Air Horn = Spray Scream

Bottled Water = Snowman Blood

Feather = Bird Leaf
*

285.
"What's wrong, Bubba?" asked the pastor.

"I need you to pray for my hearing," said Bubba.

The pastor put his hands on Bubba's ears and prayed. 

When he was done, he asked, "So how's your hearing?"

"I don't know," said Bubba. "It isn't until next Tuesday."
*

286.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. 
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
*

287.
Q: Why did the chicken go to the sance?

A: To get to the other side.
*

288.
My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving 
all over the place. My wife said to me, "Straighten her up."

I looked at my daughter and said, "What are you doing with your life? 
Do you want to be this way forever? It's time to grow up."

My wife hasn't asked me to do anything since.
*

289.
We can't all live on a street with a pleasant name like Oak or Elm. 
Here are the least popular street names (that we hope don't exist):

Drinkand Dr.

Vicious Circle

West 943,185th Street

Psycho Path

Peoples Ct.

Nofriggin Way
*

290.
Do you still rock out to eight-track tapes? Then you'll dig these 
band names for aging musicians:

Counting Crows Feet

R.E.Member?

Nine Inch Toenails

Hair Supply

Minivan Morrison

The Early Byrds

WalkDMC
*

291.
As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me 
mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold.

I nodded knowingly. "It's the early signs of typothermia."
*

292.
None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor. When the family 
is eating lasagna, I say, "Lean over your plate, boys. You'll get 
less-on-ya." 

I say to the ten-year-old, "Don't yell through the screen; you'll 
strain your voice." 

And when I took another grandson to the zoo, I asked, "Do you know 
why that snake's not pressed against the glass? He doesn't want to 
be a windshield viper."

They'll probably laugh later.
*

293.
The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic new apprentice willing 
to work long, hard hours. He instructed the boy, "When I take the 
shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, 
you hit it with the hammer."

The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he's the new 
village blacksmith.
*

294.
A Pennsylvania couple had trouble selling their home after strange 
apparitions and sounds forced them to admit in their ad that it was 
"slightly haunted." The Week asked its readers to put a more 
positive spin on the sales pitch:

"A home suited for free spirits"

"Mostly not haunted"

"113-year-old Victorian, still cared for by original owners"

"A place for all your possessions"

"This house has good bones"

"Your kids will make new friends"
*

295.
I recently stumbled upon my favorite new sports team. It's a woman's 
bowling squad called I Can't Believe It's Not Gutter.
*

296.
Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

A: If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
*

297.
Q: Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?

A: It's two gross.
*

298.
With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and 
commands the animals, "Go forth and multiply!" All the animals depart 
the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaims again, "Go 
forth and multiply," yet the snakes stay put. Perturbed, Noah finally 
asks them, "Why have you not followed my command?" The snakes flicker 
their tongues and answer, "We can't multiply, Noah-we're Adders."
*

299.
Q: What do you call a number that can't keep still?

A: A roamin' numeral.
*

300.
Q: What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?

A: a receding hare-line.
*

301.
"Give me a sentence about a public servant," the teacher instructed 
her second-grade student.

"The fireman came down the ladder pregnant," he answered.

"Umm . Do you know what pregnant means?"

"Yes," said the boy. "It means carrying a child."
*

302.
Q: How do you get down from an elephant?

A: You don't. You get down from a goose.
*

303.
Q: Why aren't dogs good dancers?

A: Because they have two left feet!
*

304.
Q: What kind of coat is always wet when you put it on?

A: A coat of paint.
*

305.
Q: A juggler, a tightrope walker, and a clown were lost in the jungle, 
when all of a sudden a lion came out of nowhere and-OWP! ate the juggler 
and the tightrope walker. Why didn't the lion eat the clown?

A: Because it thought he would taste funny.
*

306.
Q: How many seconds are there in one year?

A: 12 of them: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, 
June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, 
December 2nd.
*

307.
As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, 
I knew the end was in sight.
*

308.
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; It was riveting.
*

309.
When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; 
I still have flashbacks.
*

310.
Q: What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?

A: The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
*

311.
Q: What's the different between a cat and a comma?

A: A cat has claws at the end of paws; 
A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
*

312.
Q: Which dinosaur knew the most words?

A: The thesaurus.
*

313.
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?

Gee, I'll never part with it!
*

314.
Q: What did the reindeer say before telling his joke?

A: This one'll sleigh you!
*

315.
Algebra teacher: "What is seven Q plus three Q?"

Student: "Ten Q."

Teacher: "You're welcome."
*

316.
My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to 
shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?" I asked.

"Nothing," he said. "She's just having contractions."
*

317.
Why can't you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?

They always take things literally.
*

318.
The human cannonball tells the circus owner he is going to retire.

"But you can't!" protests the boss. 
"Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?
*

319.
A man tells his doctor, "Doc, help me. I'm addicted to Twitter!"

The doctor replies, "Sorry, I don't follow you ."
*

320.
I was watching a marathon and saw one runner dressed as a 
chicken and another as an egg.

I thought, Now, this could be interesting.
*

321.
One of the less difficult blanks to fill in on our job-agency application 
is "Position Wanted." One job seeker wrote "Sitting."
*

322.
Canada wants us to remember that it, too, is part of North America. 
So The Week asked its readers to come up with an eye-catching slogan 
for our neighbor to the north.

Canada: Where Your Cold Front Begins
Canada: It's Not Just for Draft Dodgers Anymore
Canada: Land of Cheaper Drugs
Canada: Where Winter Spends the Summer
*

323.
There are over a million words in the English language, but we can 
always use more. Here are some that wordsmiths contributed to the 
Merriam-Webster Open Dictionary website:

Epiphunny (noun): The moment of sudden revelation when one gets the joke.

Nagivator (noun): A bossy person who rides in the passenger seat and 
gives directions to the driver.

Phooey Vuitton (noun): A sub- standard, counterfeit Louis Vuitton product.

Wuzband (noun): A former husband.
*

324.
My 17-year-old niece was looking for a job, so her mother scoured the 
want ads with her. "Here's one. A couple are looking for someone to 
watch their two kids and do light housekeeping."

"Hel-looo!" said my niece, rolling her eyes. "I can't take that job. 
I don't know anything about lighthouses."
*

325.
My house is haunted by a ghostwriter. Last night, I came home and my 
autobiography had been written.
*

326.
A helicopter loses power over a remote Scottish island and makes an 
emergency landing. Luckily, there's a cottage nearby, so the pilot 
knocks on the door. "Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asks the 
woman who answers. 

She thinks for a minute. "No, but we do have a McArdle and a McKay."
*

327.
"You need to be careful when writing comments," our principal told 
the faculty. He held a report card for a Susan Crabbe. A colleague 
had written, "Susan is beginning to come out of her shell."
*

328.
After I took a job at a small publishing house, the first books I 
was assigned to edit were all on the topic of dieting.

"Isn't the market flooded with these types of books?" I asked another 
editor. "How do we expect to turn a profit?"

"Don't worry," he assured me. "These books appeal to a wider audience 
than most."
*

329.
I posed this question to my thoughtful father: "If you could have any 
superpower in the world, what would it be?"

He replied, "Russia."
*

330.
A dull-witted king is losing a territorial dispute with a neighboring 
monarch. As the fight wears on, he gets more and more frustrated until 
finally he roars, "Where are my two court jesters?"

In seconds, two jesters appear at his side.

"Okay, let's continue," he says, "now that I have my wits about me."
*

331.
We disbar lawyers and we defrock clergy, so why don't we: 

Delight electricians? 
Derange cowboys? 
Depose models? 
Debark tree surgeons? 
Depress dry cleaners?
*

332.
`Where is everybody?" the cowpoke asks.

"They've all gone to see Brown Paper Pete hang," says a bystander.

"Why do they call him that?" the cowboy asks.

"Well, he always wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper shirt, 
and brown paper trousers."

"Really?" says the cowboy. "And what are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling."
*

333.
A man goes to the doctor complaining about stomach problems. 
The doctor asks him what he's been eating.

"I only eat pool balls," he says. "Red ones for breakfast, yellow and 
orange ones for lunch, blue for afternoon snacks, and purple and black 
for dinner."

"I see the problem," says the doctor. "You're not getting enough greens."
*

334.
Before the shopper could pay for her groceries with a personal check, 
I needed her address. "What's your street name?" I asked.

"I don't have a street name," she said. "I go by Juanita."
*

335.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. 

The bartender says, "What's with the paper towel?"

The pirate says, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"
*

336.
What did the ill comic say in the hospital?

"I'm here . all weak!
*

337.
My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean fishing and 
takes his cell phone along on the boat. One morning we were drifting 
about ten miles offshore as Scott discussed business on the phone. 
Suddenly his rod bent double, and the reel screamed as line poured 
off the spool.

Scott was master of the situation. "Pardon me," he told his customer 
calmly. "I have a call on another line."
*

338.
Tiffany adopts two dogs, and she names them Rolex and Timex. 

"Where'd you come up with those names?" asks her friend Mandy. 

"HellOOOOOO," Tiffany replies. "They're watchdogs!"
*

339.
Rev up your engines and tell the crabgrass to look out. The 12th 
annual Mow Down, Show Down Lawn Mower Championship was held in 
Avon Park, Florida, bringing out the best and fastest in lawn-mower 
racing. It also brought out some colorful names.

Entrants included: Weedy Gonzales, Blading Saddles, Turfinator, 
Sodzilla and Mr. Mowjangles.
*

340.
The gladiator was having a rough day in the arena-his opponent had 
sliced off both of his arms. Nevertheless, he kept on fighting, 
kicking and biting as furiously as he could. But when his opponent 
lopped off both feet, our gladiator had no choice but to give up, 
for now he was both unarmed and defeated.
*

341.
A defendant isn't happy with how things are going in court, 
so he gives the judge a hard time.

Judge: "Where do you work?"

Defendant: "Here and there."

Judge: "What do you do for a living?"

Defendant: "This and that."

Judge: "Take him away."

Defendant: "Wait; when will I get out?"

Judge: "Sooner or later."
*

342.
While on patrol, I arrested a burglar who'd injured himself running 
from a home. He told me he'd broken in and unhooked the phone before 
searching for valuables. But he'd panicked when he heard a woman's 
voice. I entered the house and heard the same voice: "If you'd like 
to make a call, please hang up and try your call again."
*

343.
The James Bond film Spectre opens in November. Writer Peter Anspach 
explains how he'd improve his odds if he were a film villain.

I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad 
news just to illustrate how evil I am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, 
I will not construct walkways above them.

If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have 
to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of 
us instead of trying to decide whether to switch with him.

My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, 
will you at least tell me what this is all about?" 
I'll say no and finish him off.
*

344.
My husband was driving home from work when he was pulled over for not 
wearing a seat belt. Two days later-same ticket, same cop.

"So," the officer said, "have you learned anything?"

"Yes, I have," said my husband. "I've learned I need to take a different 
way home from work."
*

345.
Six Dumb Questions Real Lawyers Asked In Court

"How many times have you committed suicide?"

"Were you alone or by yourself?"

"Was it you or your brother who was killed?"

"Without saying anything, tell the jury what you did next."

"Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"

"Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, 
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
*

346.
When a neighbor's home was burglarized, I decided to be more safety 
conscious. But my measly front-door lock wasn't going to stop anyone, 
so I hung this sign outside: 

"Nancy, don't come in. The snake is loose. Mom."
*

347.
You're a dumb criminal if ...

... You believe flattery will get you anywhere. Adan Juarez Ramirez had 
it all figured out-he could be a cop without having to take the boring 
test. But he was arrested in Grapevine, Texas, after pulling over a 
driver in his pickup truck, outfitted with flashing lights. He even 
had an ID badge, which he'd made by blacking out a restaurant gift card 
and etching in the word "POLICE." However, he'd kept the restaurant's 
logo, a jalape¤o pepper surrounded by the words "Chipotle Mexican Grill."
*

348.
You're a dumb criminal if ...

... You leave IOUs. Graham Price of South Wales ripped off the bank 
where he worked, but he wasn't completely duplicitous. He left a 
note in the safe: 

"Borrowed, seven million pounds"-signed "Graham Price."
*

349.
You're a dumb criminal if ...

... You vastly overrate your powers of persuasion. Marlon Moore of Miami 
filed a fraudulent tax return, and the IRS promptly sent him a $10,000 
refund. So figuring, Why not try my luck again?, he sent in three more 
tax returns. But even the IRS raised an eyebrow at cutting him a check 
for the total amount of the refunds: more than $14 trillion. Moore 
pleaded guilty to cashing the $10,000 check. 
*

350.
You're a dumb criminal if ...

... You think presidents need a promotion. James Rhyne of Memphis was 
charged with forgery after he handed a waitress a $100 bill. The 
waitress knew something was funny with the money: Instead of the portly 
visage of Ben Franklin, it was the star of the $5 bill, Abe Lincoln, 
who was staring back at her.
*

351.
You're a dumb criminal if ...

... You leave a paper trail. Hickory, North Carolina, cops were able to 
solve in record time the mystery of the two cash registers purloined 
from the Captain's Galley restaurant. Their big break came when they 
discovered a trail of white register tape. They followed it 50 yards 
to an apartment, where, they say, Donny Guy was cracking the registers 
open.
*

352.
You're a dumb criminal if ...

... You love too much. Maybe Stephfon Bennett should try online dating. 
After he and two accomplices allegedly mugged a couple in Columbus, 
Ohio, police say he found the woman's ID in her purse, then showed up 
at her door with a simple proposal: How about a date? Since a girl 
likes to play hard to get, she called the cops, who arrested Bennett 
outside her home.
*

353.
You're a dumb criminal if ...

... You skimp on travel expenses. Twelve Middle Eastern immigrants 
forgot the first rule of sneaking into a country: Don't call 
attention to yourself. En route to England from Germany, they snuck 
a ride in the back of a man's truck. They stayed mum throughout 
their trip, even as they crossed the Channel into England. But once 
they hit Dover, they celebrated their arrival with songs and whoops. 
Not for long, though. The startled driver headed to a police station, 
where the 12 were apprehended.
*

354.
You're a dumb criminal if ...

... You're not picky about your office location. Christopher Oxley of 
Everett, Washington, was arrested for conducting a drug deal over 
the phone-in the bathroom of the Everett Police Department.
*

355.
You're a dumb criminal if ...

... You're convinced the laws of physics don't apply to you. Clive 
Halford thinks big! The British career criminal stole a truck and 
loaded it with 18 pallets of stolen nickel and copper worth around 
150,000 (about $250,000). Yes, the haul was huge-too huge. Cops 
arrested Halford after the truck's suspension collapsed under the 
weight. Earlier, Halford had stolen a car, overloaded it, and broken 
its suspension too.
*

356.
You're a dumb criminal if ...

... You text and rob. Nicholas Greenly dropped his cell phone near where 
an 84-year-old woman had her purse snatched in Mount Lebanon, 
Pennsylvania. Cops suspected that he might be involved in the crime 
when they read the phone's last outgoing text message: 
"I am ready to grab some old lady's purse." 
*

357.
You're a dumb criminal if ...

... You play both roles in a game of cops and robbers. Being a key 
suspect in a robbery wasn't going to stop Romeo Montillano from 
realizing his dream of becoming a Chula Vista, California, police 
officer. Unfortunately for Montillano, his would-be colleagues put 
the kibosh on his plans, arresting him when he showed up to take 
the entrance exam. As he was led away, Montillano had one question: 
Could he take the test later? His request was denied. 
*

358.
You're a dumb criminal if ...

... You make every day Take Your Child to Work Day. Callie Rough of 
Middletown, Ohio, was picked up for shoplifting from a Dollar 
General store with her two young children in tow. Among the booty 
was a book, 101 Ways to Be a Great Mom.
*

359.
You're a dumb criminal if ...

... You take the holidays too seriously. Robert E. Dendy of upstate 
New York presented the local police station with a Christmas wreath. 
Since the officers were well acquainted with Dendy, they did some 
snooping and arrested him for stealing the wreath from a store down 
the block.
*

360.
You're a dumb criminal if ...

... You let your supply of antismoking patches run out. An Indiana state 
trooper stopped a car for a traffic violation. When a passenger, 
Honesty Knight, asked if she could smoke, the officer said yes. She 
proceeded, police say, to light up a joint.
*

361.
You're a dumb criminal if ...

... You air your neighbor's dirty laundry. As she walked around her 
neighbor's yard sale in Severn, Maryland, the woman couldn't help 
admiring the items. The Oriental rug, the luggage, the shoes-they 
were exactly her style. And why not? They were hers, as was 
everything else on display. David Perticone says somebody sold him 
the stuff. But cops think Perticone did the deed himself.
*

362.
You're a dumb criminal if ...

... You can't let go of your friends. Two New Zealand prisoners had the 
brilliant idea of fleeing the courthouse while tethered together by 
handcuffs. They might have escaped had a light pole not gotten between 
them. Like a pair of click-clacks, they slammed into each other and 
were arrested trying to get back to their feet.
*

363.
You're a dumb criminal if ...

... You neglect to look up local hotels on your GPS. Mitchell Deslatte 
walked into a Baton Rouge, Louisiana, hotel and asked the clerk for a 
room. Only, the clerk wasn't a clerk-he was a state trooper. And the 
hotel was actually a state trooper station. That's when Deslatte was 
arrested and charged with driving while intoxicated.
*

364.
You're a dumb criminal if ...

... You don't know when to write off a loss. John Opperman-Green robbed 
a Kissimmee, Florida, 7-Eleven, then called the cops to complain when 
he tried to hitch a ride with strangers, who, in turn, robbed him.
*

365.
You're a dumb criminal if ...

... You harbor grudges. Joseph Goetz's alleged attempt to rob a York, 
Pennsylvania, bank met with some snags. Cops say the first teller 
he tried to rob fainted and the next two insisted they had no cash 
in their drawers. Fed up, Goetz stormed out, threatening to write 
an angry letter to the bank.
*

366.
You're a dumb criminal if ...

... You leave a far too indelible impression. Victims of a home robbery 
in Riverview, Florida, easily picked out Sean Roberts from police 
photos. Turns out, there aren't too many other people with a map of 
Florida tattooed on their face. Still, Roberts is pleading not guilty.
*

367.
You're a dumb criminal if ...

... You depend on the kindness of strangers. Christopher Wilson of 
Spokane left his name and phone number with clerks at a home-
improvement store should anyone find something of his that he'd 
dropped, according to police. They did find something, and Wilson 
was arrested for possession of methamphetamines.
*

368.
You're a dumb criminal if ...

... Even your wardrobe turns against you. When pleading guilty to a DUI 
charge, let your lawyer do the talking. New Zealander Keisha Lee Kubala 
ignored that sensible advice and instead showed up in court wearing a 
T-shirt that said it all: "Miss Wasted."
*

369.
A policeman looked up to see a woman racing down the center of the 
road at 100 m.p.h. 

He pulled her over and said, "Hey, lady, would you mind telling me 
why you're going so fast down the middle of the road?"

"Oh, it's okay, Officer," she replied. "I have a special license that 
allows me to drive like that."

"Oh, yeah?" Let's see it." The cop looked at the license and then 
concluded, "Ma'am, there's nothing special about this. It's just 
a temporary license."

"Look at the very bottom, though," the woman insisted. "See? It says 
`Tear along the dotted line.'"
*

370.
I had just pulled over someone for driving under the influence when 
another car pulled up behind us. I stopped what I was doing and 
ventured back to see if the driver needed assistance.

"No, I don't need any help," he said, reeking of booze. Then, pointing 
to the flashing cherry top on the roof of my cruiser, he continued, 
"I just stopped for the red light."
*

371.
During basic training at Fort Leavenworth, our sergeant asked if anyone 
had "artistic" abilities. Having been an architectural draftsman in 
civilian life, I raised my hand. Then the sergeant announced that 
everyone would get a three-day pass . except me. I would stay behind 
and neatly print each soldier's name onto his Army-issued underwear.
*

372.
We were inspecting several lots of grenades. While everyone was 
concentrating on the task at hand, I held up a spare pin and asked, 
"Has anyone seen my grenade?"
*

373.
The military has a long, proud tradition of pranking recruits. Here 
are some favorites from rallypoint.com:

Instructed a private in the mess hall to look for left-handed spatulas

Sent a recruit to medical-supplies office in search of fallopian tubes

Had a new guy conduct a "boom test" on a howitzer by yelling "Boom!" 
down the tube in order to "calibrate" it

Ordered a private to bring back a five-gallon can of dehydrated water 
(in fact, the sergeant just wanted an empty water can)
*

374.
My 90-year-old dad was giving a talk at our local library about his 
World War II experiences. During the question-and-answer period, he 
was asked, "How did you know the war was over?"

He replied, "When they stopped shooting at me."
*

375.
True or False?

A) In World War II, a German U-boat was sunk because of a 
malfunctioning toilet.

B) American combat dolphins, deployed in the Persian Gulf, 
surrounded and captured an Iranian battleship.

C) The pen used by the military meets 16 pages of military specs.

D) At the real-life Topgun program-the one the film was based 
on-there is a $5 fine for any staffer who references or quotes 
the movie.

E) The Franco-Prussian War ended in a stalemate and had to be 
settled by a winner-take-all game of backgammon played by the 
two countries' prime ministers.

Answers: A-T; B-F; C-T; D-T; E-F
*

376.
After my niece returned from her second tour in Iraq, I remarked how 
beautiful her complexion looked. "What do you use on your face to 
keep it so smooth?" I asked.

"Nothing," she said. "I've been sandblasted."
*

377.
During orientation at Fort Sill, in Oklahoma, our first sergeant 
stated that if anyone lost his locker key to see him, as he kept 
a master key in his office. Sure enough, a few weeks later, I lost 
my key. I walked into the orderly's room and asked Sarge if I 
could borrow his master key.

"Why, certainly, young man," he said, as he reached under his desk 
and handed me a large pair of bolt cutters.
*

378.
When a soldier came to the clinic where I work for an MRI, he was put 
into the machine by an attractive, young technician. Sometime later, 
when the examination was over, he was helped out of the machine by a 
far older woman. The soldier remarked, "How long was I in there for?"
*

379.
My gunnery sergeant and I were inspecting a Marine training exercise 
when we spotted a second lieutenant ambling about. "Where is your 
foxhole, Lieutenant?" I asked.

He snapped off a salute and responded, "I don't know, sir!" Turning 
to the sergeant, he asked, "Gunnery, where is my foxhole?"

"You're standing in it, sir," said the sergeant. "All you have to do 
is remove the dirt."
*

380.
Students are great about sending our troops letters, and the troops 
love 'em. You can see why:

"Dear Soldier, If you're having a rough day, remember the most important 
thing in life is to be yourself. Unless you can be Batman."

"Dear Veterans, You rock more than AC/DC or Metallica or Red Hot 
Chili Peppers."

"I am so happy you are risking your life for the USA! My grandpa Bob 
was in the Navy. Now he likes peanuts."
*

381.
Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.
*

382.
The Pentagon announced that its fight against ISIS will be called 
Operation Inherent Resolve. They came up with that name using 
Operation Random Thesaurus.
*

383.
While on maneuvers in the Mojave Desert, our convoy got lost, 
forcing our lieutenant to radio for help.

"Are you near any landmarks that might help us locate you?" 
the base operator asked him.

"Yes," said the lieutenant. "We are directly under the moon."
*

384.
During that first roll call in the Army, I waited in dread as the 
sergeant got to my name: DiFeliciantonio. There was bound to be 
trouble, and I was right, because suddenly, he fell silent-eyebrows 
arched, brain overloaded. After a long pause, he thundered, 
"The alphabet?!"
*

385.
When I spotted a Navy captain on the street, I saluted and bellowed, 
"LST 395," which was the designation and number of the ship I served 
on during World War II.

The captain returned my salute and responded, "LMD 67."

"What's an LMD?" I asked.

"Large mahogany desk."
*

386.
A military base commander called to complain that the weather-
forecasting software our company created for them kept reporting 
unexplainable wind shifts.

"Do you know where the sensor is located?" my coworker asked.

"Of course," he responded. "It's where we park the helicopters."
*

387.
Air Force Truisms

"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."

"Airspeed, altitude, and brains: Two are always needed to 
successfully complete the flight."
*

388.
I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth when my squad leader barged 
in. He was holding a toothbrush, which he proceeded to use to scrub 
underneath the rim of a toilet.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Hazing the new guy," he said with a grin.

"You do know that he could get ill from the bacteria on the toilet."

His reply was quick and to the point: "You didn't."
*

389.
My husband's cousin married a former Marine who now works for United 
Parcel Service. They bought their four-year-old son two stuffed bears 
- one in a UPS uniform and the other in Marine garb. When the boy 
seemed confused, his father brought out a picture of himself in full 
Marine dress. "See, Connor?" he explained, pointing to the photo and 
then to the bear. "That's Daddy."

Connor's eyes went from one to the other, and then he asked in a 
puzzled voice, "You used to be a bear?"
*

390.
A man walks into a barbershop and asks, "How much for a haircut?"

"Twelve dollars," says the barber.

"And for a shave?"

"Ten dollars."

"All right," says the man, settling into the barber chair. 
"Shave my head."
*

391.
Pointing to a pan of chicken wings and legs disguised in the 
classic mess-hall manner, a young airman asked the mess sergeant, 
"What's for chow?"

"Air Force chicken," replied the sergeant. "You want wings or 
landing gear?"
*

392.
After being at sea in the Persian Gulf for 90 straight days, I 
went to the squadron command master chief to complain. "Chief, 
I joined the Navy to see the world," I said, "but for the past 
three months all I've seen is water."

"Lieutenant," he replied, "three-quarters of the earth is covered 
with water, and the Navy has been showing you that. If you wanted 
to see the other quarter, you should have joined the Army."
*

393.
After joining the Navy, my husband underwent a physical. During the 
exam, it was discovered that, due to an abnormality, he couldn't 
fully extend his arms above his head. Perplexed, the doctor conferred 
with another doctor.

"Let him pass," suggested the second doctor. "I don't see any problems 
unless he has to surrender."
*

394.
Notice seen on the bulletin board of a Florida air base: "The following 
enlisted men will pick up their Good Conduct medals in the supply room 
this afternoon. Failure to comply with this order will result in 
disciplinary action."
*

395.
Spotted on T-shirts for sale in the Ponce de Leon Coast Guard Exchange:

"Support Your Local Coast Guard. Get Lost."
*

396.
To mail a big package of cookies to my two Air Force sons, both of 
whom were serving in Saudi Arabia, I was required to attach a label 
describing the contents. I carefully marked the box "Cookies" and 
sent it off, but after a month my sons said they had yet to receive 
my package.

Suspicious, I baked another batch, only this time I labeled the 
contents "Health Food." Within a week my sons reported they had 
received the goodies.
*

397.
Safety is job one in the Air Force. Overstating the obvious is job two, 
as I discovered when crawling into my military-issue sleeping bag. The 
label read: "In case of an emergency, unzip and exit through the top."
*

398.
While standing watch in the Coast Guard station in Juneau, Alaska, 
I got a call from the Navy in the nearby city of Adak. They had lost 
contact with one of their planes, and they needed the Coast Guard to 
send an aircraft to go find it. I asked the man where the Navy 
aircraft had last been spotted so we would know where to search.

"I can't tell you," the Navy man said. "That's classified."
*

399.
My brother and I arrived at boot camp together. On the first morning, 
our unit was dragged out of bed by our drill sergeant and made to 
assemble outside. "My name's Sergeant Jackson," he snarled. "Is there 
anyone here who thinks he can whip me?"

My six-foot-three, 280-pound brother raised his hand and said, "Yes, 
sir, I do."

Our sergeant grabbed him by the arm and led him out in front of the 
group. "Men," he said, "this is my new assistant. Now, is there 
anyone here who thinks he can whip both of us?"
*

400.
My wife, Dolores, never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military 
clock. One day she called the orderly room and asked to speak with 
me. The person who answered told her to call me at the extension in 
the band rehearsal hall. "He can be reached at 4700, ma'am," the 
soldier advised.

With a sigh of exasperation, my wife responded, "And just what time 
is that?"
*

401.
A Navy dentist's license plate:

"TOP GUM."
*

402.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. 
That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
*

403.
Honest Brand Slogans

Hallmark: "When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by a corporation."

Ritz crackers: "Tiny, edible plates."

CliffsNotes: "They're still going to know you didn't read the book."

Gillette: "We're just going to keep adding blades."

ChapStick: "You'll misplace it before the tube's empty."

Hot Pockets: "Every bite is a different temperature."
*

404.
I think it's pretty cool how the Chinese made a language 
entirely out of tattoos.
*

405.
Knock! Knock!

Who's there?

Impatient cow.

Impatient co.

MOO!
*

406.
Knock! Knock!

Who's there?

Ho-ho.

Ho-ho who?

You know, your Santa impression could use a little work.
*

407.
Knock! Knock!

Who's there?

Hanna.

Hanna who?

.Hanna partridge in a pear tree!
*

408.
Knock! Knock!

Who's there?

Convex.

Convex who?

Convex go to prison!
*

409.
Knock! Knock!

Who's there?

Ya.

Ya who?

I'm excited to see you too!
*

410.
Knock! Knock!

Who's there?

Scold.

Scold who?

Scold outside-let me in!
*

411.
Knock! Knock!

Who's there?

Police.

Police who?

Police hurry-I'm freezing out here!
*

412.
Knock! Knock!

Who's there?

Isabelle.

Isabelle who?

Isabelle working, or should I keep knocking?
*

413.
Knock knock.

Who's there?

To.

To who?

No, to whom.
*

414.
Knock! Knock!

Who's there?

Broken pencil.

Broken pencil who?

Forget it-this joke is pointless.
*

415.
Knock! Knock!

Who's there?

A little old lady.

A little old lady who?

I didn't know you could yodel!
*

416.
Knock! Knock!

Who's there?

Tank.

Tank who?

You're welcome!
*

417.
Knock! Knock!

Who's there?

Sam and Janet

Sam and Janet who?

Samenjanet Evening.
*

418.
Knock! Knock!

Who's there?

Weevil

Weevil who?

Weevil weevil rock you.
*

419.
The attorney tells the accused, "I have some good news and 
some bad news."

"What's the bad news?" asks the accused.

"The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, 
and the DNA tests prove you did it."

"What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is 130."
*

420.
My niece was dragged into court by a neighbor who complained about 
her barking dogs. At one point, the judge asked the neighbor a 
question. The neighbor didn't reply. "Sir, are you going to answer 
me?"

The neighbor leaped to his feet. "Are you talking to me?" he asked. 
"Sorry; I can't hear a darn thing."

The case was dismissed.
*

421.
The Best Legal Advice Ever.

.was spotted on a billboard ad for a law office: 
"Just because you did it doesn't mean you're guilty."
*

422.
A man won an $8,000 settlement from Disneyland after he got stuck on the 
It's a Small World ride. He said he'll use the money to cut out the part 
of his brain that won't stop playing "It's a Small World After All."
*

423.
If you're interested in becoming a lawyer, you'll need a degree. 
But as these court transcripts reveal, the question is, in what?

Attorney: "How was your first marriage terminated?" 

Witness: "By death." 

Attorney: "And by whose death was it terminated?" 

Witness: "Guess."

-

Attorney: "Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed 
on dead people?" 

Witness: "All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight."
*

424.
An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she 
interviews a young lawyer. 

"Mr. Peterson," she says. "Would you say you're honest?"

"Honest?" replies Peterson. "Let me tell you something about honesty. 
My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every 
penny the minute I tried my first case." 

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

"Dad sued me for the money."
*

425.
Justice isn't just blind-it's snickering at these real courtroom 
give-and-takes:

Judge (to young witness): Do you know what would happen to you if you told 
a lie? 

Witness: Yes. I would go to hell. 

Judge: Is that all? 

Witness: Isn't that enough?

-

Q: Isn't it a fact that you have been running around with another woman? 

A: Yes, it is, but you can't prove it!

-

Q: Have you ever heard about taking the Fifth? 

A: A fifth of wine? 

Q: No, the Fifth Amendment.

-

Q: What did your sister die of? 

A: You would have to ask her. I would be speculating if I told you.
*

426.
When my 88-year-old mother was called for jury duty, she had to submit 
to questioning by the opposing lawyers.

"Have you ever dealt with an attorney?" asked the plaintiff's lawyer.

"Yes. I had an attorney write my living trust," she responded.

"And how did that turn out?"

"I don't know," she said. "Ask me when I'm dead."
*

427.
After I prosecuted a man for killing a bird out of season with his 
slingshot, the court clerk suggested setting up a date for him to 
return with both the money for the fine and proof of community 
service. "That way," she said innocently, "you can kill two birds 
with one stone."
*

428.
Arrested on a robbery charge, our law firm's client denied the allegations. 
So when the victim pointed him out in a lineup as one of four men who had 
attacked him, our client reacted vociferously.

"He's lying!" he yelled. "There were only three of us."
*

429.
While prosecuting a robbery case, I conducted an interview with the 
arresting officer. My first question: "Did you see the defendant at 
the scene?"

"Yes, from a block away," the officer answered.

"Was the area well lit?"

"No. It was pretty dark."

"Then how could you identify the defendant?" I asked, concerned.

Looking at me as if I were nuts, he answered, "I'd recognize my cousin 
anywhere."
*

430.
I am a deputy sheriff assigned to courthouse security. As part of my job, I 
explain court procedures to visitors. One day I was showing a group of 
ninth-graders around. Court was in recess and only the clerk and a young man 
in custody wearing handcuffs were in the courtroom. "This is where the judge 
sits," I began, pointing to the bench. "The lawyers sit at these tables. The 
court clerk sits over there. The court recorder, or stenographer, sits over 
here. Near the judge is the witness stand and over there is where the jury 
sits. As you can see," I finished, "there are a lot of people involved in 
making this system work."

At that point, the prisoner raised his cuffed hands and said, "Yeah, but 
I'm the one who makes it all happen."
*

431.
As a judge, I was sentencing criminal defendants when I saw a vaguely 
familiar face. I reviewed his record and found that the man was a career 
criminal, except for a five-year period in which there were no convictions.

"Milton," I asked, puzzled, "how is it you were able to stay out of trouble 
for those five years?"

"I was in prison," he answered. "You should know that-you were the one who 
sent me there."

"That's not possible," I said. "I wasn't even a judge then."

"No, you weren't the judge," the defendant countered, smiling mischievously. 
"You were my lawyer."
*

432.
As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a 
courtroom, answering questions from both sides. The assistant district 
attorney asked such questions as: Had I ever been mugged? Did I know the 
victim or the defendant?

The defense attorney took a different approach, however. "I see you are 
a teacher," he said. "What do you teach?"

"English and theater," I responded.

"Then I guess I better watch my grammar," the defense attorney quipped.

"No," I shot back. "You better watch your acting."

When the laughter in the courtroom died down, I was excused from the case.
*

433.
I was once a legal secretary to a young law clerk who passed the bar exam 
on his third try. This fledgling attorney worked hard on his initial 
pleading, which should have read "Attorney at Law" at the top of the first 
page.

After I submitted the finished document for his review and signature, I 
was embarrassed when he pointed out a critical typing error. "Must you 
rub it in?" he asked.

I had typed: "Attorney at Last."
*

434.
I was a brand-new attorney in practice alone, and I had a likewise 
inexperienced secretary fresh out of high school. The importance of 
proofreading the results of my dictation was highlighted one day 
when a reminder to a client's tenant to pay her rent or suffer 
eviction was transcribed as follows: "You are hereby notified that
if payment is not received within five business days, I will have
no choice but to commence execution proceedings."
*

435.
It was so hot in Beverly Hills, people were frying egg whites on 
the sidewalk.
*

436.
Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine 
tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation.
*

437.
For her summer job, my 18-year-old daughter arranged interviews at 
several day-care centers. At one meeting, she sat down on one of the 
kiddie seats, no simple task for most people. The interview went well, 
and at the end, the day-care center director asked the standard 
question, "Can you give me one good reason we should hire you?"

"Because I fit in the chairs." She got the job.
*

438.
On a recent vacation at a resort with my in-laws, we planned to spend 
an afternoon at the pool with our kids. We wanted to bring our own 
drinks, but were unsure of the hotel's policy. My brother-in-law called 
the front desk, and assuming everyone was familiar with the brand of 
ice chest he had, asked if it was all right if he brought a Playmate to 
the pool. After a pause the clerk asked, "Does she have her own towel?"
*

439.
Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they 
won't be identified as clergy. They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and 
soon hit the beach. They notice a gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini. 
"Good afternoon, Fathers," she says as she strolls by.

The men are stunned. How does she know they're clergy? Later they buy 
even wilder attire: surfer shorts, tie-dyed T-shirts, and dark glasses. 
The next day, they return to the beach. The same fabulous blonde, now 
wearing a string bikini, passes by, nods politely at them, and says, 
"Good morning, Fathers."

"Just a minute, young lady," says one of the priests. "We are priests 
and proud of it, but how in the world did you know?"

"Don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Kathryn from the convent."
*

440.
While in the men's room at a beach park in Florida, I noticed they had 
a plastic baby-changing table installed on the wall. Apparently, some 
sportsmen had co-opted this politically correct amenity for their own 
use. Above the table was a sign saying: "It is unlawful to clean fish 
on this table."
*

441.
While editing announcements for a newspaper, I came across an item 
promoting a camp for children with asthma. Aside from all the wonderful 
activities the kids could enjoy, such as canoeing, swimming, crafts and 
more, it promised that its lakefront property offered something the 
kids probably did not expect: "breathtaking views."
*

442.
I was talking on the phone with my son, who was stationed in Hawaii with 
the Air Force. He was explaining how the troops were learning to scuba-
dive. They used the buddy system, he said, and occasionally dived into 
shark-infested waters. Listening on the extension, my daughter asked, 
"What do you do when you see a shark?"

Said my son, "Swim faster than my buddy."
*

443.
Our family took shelter in the basement after hearing a tornado warning. 
My husband told everyone to stay put while he got his cell phone out of 
the car, in case the lines went dead.

He didn't return for the longest time, so I went looking for him. I was 
upstairs calling his name, when I heard our phone machine click on.

"Hi," a voice said. "This is Dad. I'm locked out of the house."
*

444.
A dog walks into a Saloon, with a bandage on his leg.  He stops and
announces... "I'm looking for guy who shot my paw!"
*

445.
What's the difference between Windows and a virus?

A virus does something.
*

446.
What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?

A blonde going through a flashing red light.
*

447.
A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island
in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, one day noticed a bottle lying in the
sand with a piece of paper in it.

Rushing to the bottle, he pulled the cork, and with shaking hands, 
withdrew the message.

"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it 
neccessary to cancel your e-mail account."
*

448.
This customer comes into the computer store. "I'm looking for a mystery
adventure game with lots of graphics. You know, something that is really
challenging."

"Well," replied the clerk, "Have you tried Windows 98?"
*

449.
Redmond, WA--Microsoft announced today that the official release date
for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the
second quarter of 1901.
*

450.
What is uglier than an aardvark?

Two aardvarks.
*

451.
What does the aardvark call his dog?

Aard-bark.
*

452.
What will fall on the lawn first?

An autumn leaf, or a Christmas catalogue?
*

453.
Do steam rollers really roll steam?
*

454.
An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near 
the dinosaur, he said to his neighbor, "This dinosaur is two billion
years and ten months old".

"Where did you get this exact information?"

"I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur
is two billion years old."
*

455.
Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several 
of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers,
including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their 
wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams
something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant
number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies,
"it's that $50 I owe you."
*

456.
A patient was at her docto's office after undergoing a complete physical 
exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have 
six months to live."

The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?" 

The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant." 

"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.

"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."
*

457.
Why don't anteaters get sick?

Because they are full of antibodies!
*

458.
Why did the ant-elope?

Nobody gnu!
*

459.
The desk sergeant answered the phone, and at once a woman began screaming.
"You've got to help me! There's a giant gray thing in my yard, and it's 
pulling apples off the tree with its tail!" 

"What's he doing with the apples?" the sergeant asked.

"If I told you," the woman cried, "you wouldn't believe me!"
*

460.
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes 
later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the 
seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. 

The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake
the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't 
climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the 
big guy, trying to decide what to do. 

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of 
nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer 
and he pukes all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later 
the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"
*

461.
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. 

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the 
flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
*

462.
A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it reached a comfortable 
cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to 
Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather 
ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth flight, Now sit 
back and relax. - OH MY GOD!" 

Silence 

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said: "Ladies and 
Gentlemen, I an so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was 
talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled 
the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said: "That's nothing. He should see the back 
of mine!"
*

463.
What does a baby computer call his father?

Data.
*

464.
A guy stumbles through the front door of a bar, ambles up to the bartender 
and orders a beer. 

The bartender looks at the drunk man and says, "I'm sorry sir, but I can't 
serve you...you've already had too much to drink." The guy swears and walks 
out of the bar. 

Five minutes later the guy comes flying through the side door of the bar, 
and yells for a beer. Again the bartender says, "I'm sorry, sir...but I 
can't serve you...you've already had too much to drink!" 

Ten minutes later, the same guy comes barrel-assing through the back door 
of the bar, storms up to the bartender, and demands a beer. Again, the 
bartender says to the man..."I'm really sorry, sir, but you've had too 
much to drink...you're going to have to leave!" 

The guy looks quizzically at the bartender and says finally, "My God, man... 
How many bars do you work at?!!!"
*

465.
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together.
They proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about 
to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. 

The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking 
it as if nothing had happened. 

The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the
pint, yelling... "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!!!"
*

466.
While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by 
a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in 
the bags?", asked the guard.

"Sand," said the cyclist.

"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard. 

The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained
nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued
across the border. 

Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see 
the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every 
week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to
appear. 

A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say 
friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling
something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were 
smuggling?" 

"Bicycles!"
*

467.
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I
born?"

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish mother, "the stork brought you to
us."

"Oh," said the boy, "and how did you and daddy get born?"

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" the boy persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mother, by now starting 
to squirm a little.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with
confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write
due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for
three generations."
*

468.
A biologist was interested in studying how far bullfrogs can jump. He brought
a bullfrog into his laboratory, set it down, and commanded, "Jump, frog, 
jump!"

The frog jumped across the room. The biologist measured the distance, then 
noted in his journal, "Frog with four legs jumped eight feet."

Then he cut the frog's front legs off. Again he ordered, "Jump, frog, jump!" 

The frog struggled a moment, then jumped a few feet. After measuring the 
distance, the biologist noted in his journal, "Frog with two legs jumped three
feet."

Next, the biologist cut off the frog's back legs. Once more, he shouted, 
"Jump, frog, jump!" The frog just lay there. "Jump, frog, jump!" the biologist
repeated. Nothing.

The biologist noted in his journal, "Frog with no legs - lost its hearing."
*

469.
A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor 
tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to 
know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"

"No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."
*

470.
A man with a talking parrot is getting married. On the day of the wedding he
says to the parrot "Now look here, I know you are always sat in that window
sticking your beak in, when me and my new wife get back from the wedding I 
want you to turn round and and no matter what you hear I do not want you to 
turn back or I'll break your neck, do you understand?" 

The parrot reluctantly agrees.

On returning from the wedding the parrot turns round as instructed, and
behind him the bride and groom start to pack for the honeymoon. The wife 
however has packed too much and they can't get the case closed. 

"Get on top and sit on it baby!" Says the man. The woman does so and grunts 
and moans but can't shut the case. 

"You get on top baby it might be better" Says the wife, so the man grunts
and groans and tries his best but still cant shut the case.

After a little thought the man says "Ok we'll both get on top see if that's
any better!" 

The parrot turns round and says "Neck or no neck, I have to see this!"
*

471.
A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"

She said, "I'd love to be ten again."

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went 
to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The
Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She
staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her
stomach turning. 

Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered
home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and 
asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"

One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"
*

472.
A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll
buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday." Well, you can imagine her
disappointment. 

The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get
her anything. She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?"

He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"
*

473.
Johnny was racing around the garden on his new bicycle and called out to his
mother to watch his tricks. 

"Look, Mum! No hands! Look, Mum! No feet! Waaah! Look, Mum! No teeth!"
*

474.
One day two blind men started fighting. Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them.

Then one of the members of the crowd yelled out "I bet 10 bucks on 
the one with the knife." 

Both men ran away.
*

475.
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he
picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager 
runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" 

The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
*

476.
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how 
this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am 
placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand 
is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. 

"I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass 
when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the
ground?" he was again asked. 

He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
*

477.
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on 
the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" 

The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." 

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving 
in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He 
exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" 

The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." 

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the
bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." 

The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and 
skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to 
the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. 

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
*

478.
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned
about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my 
mother had passed away." 

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we
aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." 

The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep 
my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." 

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need 
anything, just let me know," he says. 

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out 
over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to 
her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to 
help?" 

"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said
that HER mom died too!"
*

479.
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show 
in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, 
he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 
fourth row stands on her nchair and starts shouting: 

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you 
can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have 
to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women 
like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching 
our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to 
perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...
and all in the name of humor!"

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde 
yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little idiot on 
your knee!"
*

480.
A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm.
As she passed the bus stop, someone asked, "Where did you get that?"

The pig replied, "I won her in a raffle!"
*

481.
A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl
painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.

Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them 
rather than old clothes or an overall. She showed him the instructions on the
tin, 

"For best results, put on two coats".
*

482.
Are hamburgers male?

Yes, because they're boygers, not girlgers!
*

483.
Bus passenger: I'd like a ticket to New York, please. 
Ticket seller: By Buffalo? 
Bus passenger: Of course not, I'm in the bus queue, aren't I?
*

484.
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces 
his altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and
shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet 
above this field."

"You must work in Technical Support," says the balloonist.

"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically 
correct, but completely useless."

The man below says: "You must be in management."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're
going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're still in the same
position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
*

485.
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the
personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director 
asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years
experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."

"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted
somebody with imagination."
*

486.
There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the
only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As
a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious about his 
having no ears. Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money
from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, 
so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a
business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. 
But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that
he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top
candidates, and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really 
well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate
was, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" 

The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." 

The man got really upset and threw the guy out. 

The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was 
much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked 
the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" 

This guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." 

The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out. 

Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than
the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to 
hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual 
about me?" 

The guy replied "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses." 

Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How 
could you tell?" 

The guy burst out laughing and said, "Well, You can't wear glasses if you
don't have any ears!"
*

487.
When Abraham Liebowitz gets to school he discovers that he is the only
Jewish kid in the class. But it's a decent town and nobody really bothers
him. 

One day the teacher asks the class "Who was the greatest person who ever
lived? and why?" And to make it interesting she held a twenty dollar bill
in the air and said "whoever gives the best answer will get this twenty
dollars". 

All of the kids called out their guesses. One said "George Washington - 
because he was the father of our country." 

"That's excellent" said the teacher. 

Another said "Abraham Lincoln - because he freed the slaves."

"That's also good" said the teacher, reluctant to bestow an excellent, 
but still being polite. 

One little girl said "Joan of Arc - because she saved France." 

Another excellent choice said the teacher. 

Then Abraham Liebowitz, raised his hand. So the teacher called on him. 
"Abraham, who do you think was the greatest person who ever lived, and 
why?" 

And Abraham said "Jesus Christ." 

The teacher was shocked. "Abraham," she said "I'm very surprised. Class, 
I think we can all agree that Abraham should get the twenty dollars." And
she handed Abraham Liebowitz the money. At recess, the teacher was still 
very impressed. So she asked Abraham why he said Jesus. 

Abraham said "Look, personally I think Moses was the greatest person who
ever lived, but... business is business!"
*

488.
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels' 
bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his 
cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. 

The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and 
then he too took a seat at the counter. 

The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, 
and then he took a seat at the counter. 

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. 

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not 
much of a man, was he?" 

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed 
his big-rig over three motorcycles."
*

489.
A man was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. 

The judge asked if he had anything to say in his defense. 

"They shouldn't put up such misleading notices," said the man. "It said
FINE FOR PARKING HERE."
*

490.
For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, or are a teenager,
you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats: 

- Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

- No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane 
efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on 
them hand and foot. 

- You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human
being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind 
wants to be seen in public with his or her parents. 

- Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your 
teen will ever crack a smile. 

- No cat or teenager shares you taste in music. 

- Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end 
without moving, barely breathing. 

- Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

- Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that
ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom. 

- Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture. 

- Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return 
in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. 
Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior. 

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other
parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on 
cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food 
and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their
minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it 
will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.
*

491.
Q: When is a bad time to cross a black cat?

A: When you are a mouse!
*

492.
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter. 

Mother: "What does the cow say?" 
Child: "Moo!" 
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?" 
Child: "Meow." 
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" 
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her
deepest voice replied, "Bud."
*

493.
A little boy walked down the aisle at a wedding. As he made his way to the
front, he would take two steps, then stop, and turn to the crowd, 
alternating between the bride's side and the groom's side. While facing the
crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. 

And so it went-step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR-all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the 
time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and 
more distressed from all the laughing, and he was near tears by the time he
reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed back his
tears and said, "I was being the ring bear."
*

494.
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. 
Sugarbrown's daughter." 

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,"I'm Janey Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?" 

With her mother standing just a few feet away, the little girl replied, 
"I thought I was, but Mommy says I'm not."
*

495.
Andy: "Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was
with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, 
brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a row." 

Doctor: "Hold it, Andy. That doesn't sound so terrible." 

Andy: Oh yeah? In the dream, I was the third girl from the end."
*

496.
Did you hear the new penalty for speeding in Illinois? 
The first offense they give you Bears tickets and the second offense
they make you use them.
*

497.
Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone.
Are you choking?
No, I really did!
*

498.
A man took his dog to the vet and asked the vet to completely remove the
dogs tail. The vet confused said "Why do you want me to do that? The dogs
tail is perfectly healthy."

The man replied "Well the wifes mother comes this weekend and I want to
make sure there are no signs of any welcome!!
*

499.
After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building in a small Spanish town,
the firemen observed a man dressed in a matador's costume prancing around 
on the roof. Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape
from the burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and loudly 
proclaimed, "I'm Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing, not even
fire."

The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept prancing around
while repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really
sick and tired of hearing it. Finally, when the flames began to scorch his
butt, Jose announced he had changed his mind, was ready to jump and then 
leaped off the rooftop. As his body hurtled toward the safety-net, the 
four firemen shouted, "Ole!" and quickly moved it aside.
*

500.
A man who worked at a fire hydrant factory was always late for work. When
confronted by his boss the man explained: "You can't park anywhere near
this place!"
*

501.
A man calls the fire department and says, "Yes, I have just had my front
yard landscaped, I have a nice new flower bed, a new fish pond with a 
fountain and a new rose garden."

"Very nice," the firefighter says, "but what does that have to do with 
the fire service?"

"Well," the man answers, "the house next door is on fire and I don't want
you to trample my front yard."
*

502.
How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb?

Four - three to cut a hole in the roof and one to change the bulb.
*

503.
This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks
him if he could buy a rooster for $100. The neighbor says, "You can have 
this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real
stud." 

So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it 
slow, okay?" The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the 
hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed
a duck and a goose at a pond. 

The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in
the air and buzzards circling overhead. The farmer says, "Roy, did you have
to die?"

Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"
*

504.
There was a farmer who had a lot of live stock. He had cows, horses, 
chickens, pigs, and bulls. 

One day a terrible twister came and the man and his family were only 
saved by throwing themselves in the nearest ditch. After it was all 
over, he looked up to see that the house was gone. Saddened by the loss, 
he went out to see if any of the animals had survived. The horses, 
chickens, pigs, and cows were laid out flat but the bulls were standing!

The farmer was amazed and asked them, "How is it that all the other 
animals are down and you are still standing?"

The bulls replied, "We bulls wobble but we don't fall down!"
*

505.
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, 
do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
*

506.
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an 
old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through
which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair 
value of the bull. 

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the 
back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately
cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The 
lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take 
half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and 
took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over 
his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old 
man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The
engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went 
through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the 
stand. I bluffed you!" 

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little
worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home
this morning."
*

507.
Bob is sitting on the ice all day fishing with no luck, not even a nibble.
Cold and tired he is about to leave, when a guy walks up cuts a hole in 
the ice beside him, and starts pulling out fish as fast a he can drop his
hook in the water. 

Bob can't believe it, he yells over "Whats your secret?"

"Woogatkakeptewrwm" he answers back.

"What did you say?" replies Bob. The man spits a large ball of worms on the
ice and says to Bob, "You have to keep your worms warm".
*

508.
A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that
the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it
be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. 

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and 
never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't
throw out the pest.

"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't
even have an air conditioner."
*

509.
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man 
received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - 
he placed the boy in the chair.

"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll 
be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned,
the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." 

"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by 
the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
*

510.
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to
the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's 
crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how 
are you getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,
their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you
staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the 
service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get 
there?" 

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to 
see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of
yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked
him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in none of 
TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first 
class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old 
stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel-it was great! They'd
just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in 
the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the 
presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard 
tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet 
some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room 
and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later 
the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke 
a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?
*

511.
Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and 
get some fresh air. He got out, and started walking in a meadow. As he 
walked, he came upon a hole. Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a 
pebble down. No sound. 

So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound. 

The man started to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No sound. As
he searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over to the 
hole, and shoved it in. No sound. 

He sat down on the ground, exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running at him,
full speed. He leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in the hole. He 
listened, but there was no sound. 

He sat down again. A few minutes later, a farmer came walking up. The man 
asked him, "How deep is this hole?" 

The farmer said, "Oh. Thats the bottomless pit. It never ends. Say, have you
seen my prize goat?" 

The man, not wanting to get the blame, said, "No." 

The farmer said, "Oh well. He can't get far. He was tied to a railroad beam."
*

512.
Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They 
had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, 
"Watson, look up. What do you see?" 

"Well, I see thousands of stars." 

"And what does that mean to you?" 
"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it 
mean to you, Holmes?" 

"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
*

513.
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended 
when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. 

Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist
who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. 
He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck 
fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not 
sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting 
more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, 
the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist 
watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything 
unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
*

514.
Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"No," the second guy says.

"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.

"Oh," says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"See what?" the second guy asks.

"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."

"Oh."

A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?"

By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"

And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"
*

515.
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the
den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?" 
 
The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife." 
 
"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter. 
 
"My wife."
*

516.
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went
out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only
wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and
started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but
the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just
as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close
behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside,
"You skin this one while I go and get another!"
*

517.
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other,
"Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing
up there in the shade of a tree?"

"I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him." So he climbed out of
the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and
you're standing in the shade?"

"Intelligence," the boss said.

"What do you mean, intelligence?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I
want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." 

The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The
boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. 

The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole.

His friend asked, "What did he say?" 

"He said we are down here because of intelligence."

"What's intelligence?" said the friend.

The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and
hit my hand."
*

518.
I saw a pen in a store the other day. I picked it up and took a look at it
cause it was prettier than most.

The clerk said, "It's made in Germany".

I said, "That's too bad, I can't use it then".

The clerk said, "What's the matter? You don't like German pens?"

I said, "No. I just never learned to write German."
*

519.
Did you hear about the hillbilly who went into the hardware store to buy a
chain saw? He said "I want one that will cut down at least 10 trees a day."

He was back at the hardware store with the saw a couple days later
complaining that it only cut one tree and that took all day.

The clerk at the hardware store started the saw to see what the problem
was. The hillbilly jumped back and said, "What the hell is that noise?"
*

520.
Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Exactly five hundred. 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the
mail list that the light bulb has been changed. 7 to share similar
experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been
changed differently or to caution about the dangers of changing light
bulbs. 17 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing
light bulbs. 21 to flame the spell checkers. 49 to write to the list
administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its
inappropriateness to this mail list. 20 to correct spelling in the
spelling/grammar flames. 32 to post that this list is not about light
bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb. 69 to
demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and 
alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped. 41 to defend the
posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the
posts are relevant to this mail list. 106 to debate which method of
changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what
brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are 
faulty. 12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light 
bulbs. 8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post
corrected URLs. 2 to post about links they found from the URLs that are
relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list. 15
to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers
and footers, and then add pointedly, "Me Too." 6 to post to the list that
they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb
controversy. 9 to quote the "Me Too's" and happily add, "Me Three!" 3 to
suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ. 1 to propose new 
alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup. 24 to say this is just what 
alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here. 53 votes for 
alt.lite.bulb.
*

521.
A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd
gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not get
near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me
through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."

The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
*

522.
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a
great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots,
so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be
waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as
he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up
near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go!
Let's go!" 

The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make
three or four low level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers
take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. 

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
*

523.
The defendant stood up in the dock and said to the judge, "I dont
recognize this court!"

"Why?" asked the Judge.

"Because you've had it decorated since the last time I was here."
*

524.
Crazy Aunt Maud received a letter one morning, and upon reading it burst
into floods of tears. 

"What's the matter?" asked her companion. 

"Oh dear," sobbed Auntie, "It's my favorite nephew. He's got three feet." 

"Three feet?" exclaimed her friend. "Surely that's not possible?" 

"Well," said Auntie, "his mother's just written to tell me he's grown
another foot !"
*

525.
Are you writing a thank you letter to Grandma like I told you to?

Yes Mom.

Your handwriting seems very large.

Well, Grandma's very deaf, so I'm writing very loudly.
*

526.
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the
skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. 
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would
have to come from his rear end. The husband and wife agreed that they 
would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the
doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate
matter. 

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's 
new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her 
friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One
day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at
his sacrifice. 

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
There is no way I could ever repay you." 

"My darling," he replied," think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I
need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
*

527.
Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day. The wind was so
strong and loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other. 

"It's windy," said one. 

"No, it's Thursday," said the next.

"So am I," said the third. "Let's go and have a drink!"
*

528.
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being
pregnant with their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor
took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink. The
couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home,
the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.

In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back
and see me."
*

529.
The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto
the porch. Someone dialed 911. 

When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and
asked if he knew what caused him to faint. 

"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the
keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with
the lawn mower."
*

530.
Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of
a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for
reckless driving.

Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen 
stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large 
upholstery tacks. 

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going
to have to write you a ticket." 

Amazed, the driver asked for what. 

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
*

531.
A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign
that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too
late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. 

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. 

From around the curve they heard a big splash. "Do you think," said one
clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' 
instead?"
*

532.
A woman at a gas station noticed a spaceship landing in front of her. An
alien stepped out of the spaceship and started to pump gas into it. The
woman noticed the letters 'U.F.O.' printed on the side of the ship. She
turned to the alien and asked "Does U.F.O. stand for Unidentified Flying 
Object?" 

The alien answered, "No, it stands for Unleaded Fuel Only!"
*

533.
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the
middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but
unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The
driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to
the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began
to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the
road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what
was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed
it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to
her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp,
dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. 

Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the
two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped,
turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50
feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. 

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in
the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in
your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" 

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It 
said:"Hare Spray Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."
*

534.
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he
paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his
cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man
would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man
came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new
hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men
worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the
road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash
container and heading down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it,"
he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this
digging?" 

"Well, we work for the county government," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're
not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel
and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney and Mike. I
dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back."

"Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean we
can't work, does it?"
*

535.
During my stay at an expensive hotel in New York City, I woke up in the
middle of the night with an upset stomach. I called room service and
ordered some soda crackers. When I looked at the charge slip, I was
furious. I called room service and raged, "I know I'm in a luxury hotel,
but $11.50 for six crackers is ridiculous!" 

"The crackers are complimentary," the voice to the other end cooly
explained. "I believe you are complaining about your room number."
*

536.
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced
sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The waiter became
quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own 
sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their 
shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
*

537.
You're hiking around on Hampsted Heath (a park near London) at the end of
a long sunny day. You run across (separately) the ghosts of Sir Winston 
Churchill, Sir Baden Powell, and Sir Edmund Hillary, who all give you
directions to the nearest tube stop. Whom don't you believe?

Your story teller, for there is no such thing as a completely sunny day in England.
*

538.
Why did your sister cut a hole in her new umbrella?

Because she wanted to be able to tell when it stopped raining.
*

539.
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he
could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the
next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up.
Again he go out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next 
enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate
at night!"
*

540.
A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he
couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken about sex, so he said he had
discussed horseback riding with the members. A few days later, she ran
into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the
speech her husband had made. 

She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's
only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk,
and the second time he fell off."
*

541.
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve
frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm,"
muses the Brit. "They must be British." 

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful.
Clearly, they are French." 

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple
to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
*

542.
A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, "I want
a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible
hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The husband turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the
dentist which tooth it is, dear."
*

543.
Three men: an editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a
political convention in Miami. They decide to walk up and down the beach
during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp.

As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you
three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one
wish." 

The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my
life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The
genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas. 

The journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life
living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries."
The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean. 

Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn. "And what would your wish
be?" asked the genie. 

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the editor, "the deadline for
tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours.
*

544.
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead
and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the
executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!" Suddenly the
brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" Everyone is startled and throws themselves
on the ground while she escapes. 

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has
any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!" Everyone is startled and looks
around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward
and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and 
the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!" and the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
*

545.
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept
through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was
napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" 

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the
chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!"
shouted Mary, and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back
asleep. 

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior," but
Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the
rescue, and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary, and the teacher
said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam
after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with
the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn
thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
*

546.
This guy goes to the zoo one day. While standing in front of the gorilla's
cage, a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his
eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy 
senseless. 

When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the
zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid 
means "F**k you!" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the
victim feel any better and he vowed revenge. 

The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party
horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried 
to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, where he tossed a hat, a knife,
and a party horn. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a 
party hat. The gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it on.
Next, he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn
and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage
out of his pants, and sliced it in half.

The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the
man, and pulled down his eyelid.
*

547.
Great Book Titles

How to Feed Elephants by P. Nutts

Aches and Pains by Arthur Ritis

The Spicy Sausage by Delia Katessen

The Punished Schoolboy by Major Bumsaw

The Long Walk Home by Miss D. Buss
*

548.
The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo 
theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the 
cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy 
groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if 
you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. 
The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle.
In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them 
tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, 
they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then
asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?" 

"Sam," the cowboy moaned. 

"Where ya from, Sam?" 

With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."
*

549.
Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. "I know that smart 
aleck Tex," said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that
new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back." 

"Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always be just a good 
ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello." 

"I know Tex better than either of you," said the third. "He's so 
smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now." 

Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"
*

550.
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance
agent was going down the list of standard questions. "Ever have an 
accident?"

"Nope, nary a one."

"None? You've never had any accidents."

"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."

"Well, you said on this form you were bit by a snake once. Wouldn't 
you consider that an accident?"

"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."
*

551.
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

"Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.

"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"
*

552.
Q. What do you have when only one line dancer comes to your party?

A. A One Liner!
*

553.
A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary
for her recently deceased husband is published. After the editor 
informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word, she 
pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read 'Fred Brown 
died'."

Confounded at the woman's thrift, the editor stammers that there is a
7-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again, counts on 
her fingers and replies, "In that case, 'Fred Brown died: 1983 Pick-up
for sale'."
*

554.
Staring down from the bench to announce the terms of the divorce 
decree, the judge turned to the husband and said: "I'm going to 
award her alimony in the amount of $250 a month." 

To which the woman's about-to-be ex replied: "That's mighty kind 
of you, judge. I'll try to help her all I can, too."
*

555.
Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone.

Are you choking?

No, I really did!
*

556.
Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses

You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!
*

557.
Fred: You have the face of a saint. 
Jill: Really? Which one? 
Fred: A Saint Bernard.
*

558.
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right
by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the 
law, you've got to go back across the border right now." 

The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in 
de USA! Pleeeze!" 

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard
for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words
in a sentence". 

The Mexican man of course agrees. 

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and
Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence." 

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, 
"Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and 
sez Yellow?"
*

559.
A man who worked at a fire hydrant factory was always late for work. 
When confronted by his boss the man explained: "You can't park 
anywhere near this place!"
*

560.
If you're fishing on ice, you should never tell a joke on ice. 
WHY??? 
The ice will crack up!
*

561.
"Will I ever be able to race my horse again" the owner asked the vet.
The vet replied, "You certainly will, and you'll probably beat her too!"
*

562.
Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a
sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder. 

"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can 
pick up the ladder." 

"What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my 
flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light." 

"What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight 
when I'm halfway there."
*

563.
If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one of them, 
would you read the paper or go to lunch?
*

564.
"What flavors of ice cream do you have?" inquired the customer.

"Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," answered the new waitress in a 
hoarse whisper.

Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have 
laryngitis?" 

"No...." replied the new waitress with some effort, "just...erm.... 
vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate."
*

565.
Teacher: What's 2 and 2?
Pupil: 4
Teacher: That's good.
Pupil: Good?, that's perfect!
*

566.
Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is?
Pupil: I expect it's around Hadrian's garden miss!
*

567.
Teacher: Where is your homework?

Pupil: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best 
teacher in the school
*

568.
Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4?

Pupil: That's not fair!
You answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one!
*

569.
"Please, ma'am! How do you spell ichael?" 

The teacher was rather bewildered. "Don't you mean Michael?" she asked.

"No, ma'am. I've written the 'M' already."
*

570.
School Doctor: Have you ever had trouble with appendicitis? 

Fred: Only when I tried to spell it.
*

571.
How do you spell wrong? 

R o n g. 

That's wrong. 

That's what you asked for, isn't it?
*

572.
First witch: Here's a banana if you can spell it. 
Second witch: I can spell banana. I just don't know when to stop.
*

573.
The young lad had applied for a job, and was asked his full name. 
"Aloysius Montmorency Geoghan," he replied. 
"How do you spell that?" asked the manager. 
"Er ? sir ? er ? can't you just put it down without spelling it?"
*

574.
At three o'clock one morning a veterinary surgeon was woken from a 
deep sleep by the ringing of his telephone. He staggered downstairs 
and answered the phone. "I'm sorry if I woke you," said a voice at 
the other end of the line. 

"That's all right," said the vet, "I had to get up to answer the 
telephone anyway."
*

575.
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from 
his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and 
park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck
would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the 
city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze 
when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a 
jogger running in place. 

"Yes?" 

"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" 

The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15". 

The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was 
just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another
jogger. 

"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?" 

"8:25!" The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other 
joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before 
another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and
paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!" 

Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there
was another knock on the window. "Sir, sir? It's 8:45!."
*

576.
Did you hear about the vampire who had an eye for the ladies? 

He used to keep it in his back pocket.
*

577.
What is Dracula's favorite fruit? 

Neck-tarines.
*

578.
When the picture of the vampire's grandmother crashed to the floor in
the middle of the night what did it mean? 

That the nail had come out of the wall.
*

579.
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a
perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you
are really ugly." 

Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On 
the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, 
you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. 

The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are 
really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and
said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. 

The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't
say it again. When the lady walked past the store that day after work 
the parrot called to her, "Hey lady." 

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."
*

580.
There are bats hanging off a branch upside down, all except one. 

Two bats comment: "What's happened to this one?

"I don't know, two minutes ago he seemed normal and then he fainted."
*

581.
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over
the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"

"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
*

582.
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they 
produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The 
waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You 
can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" 

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and 
then exchanged sandwiches.
*

583.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? 

It allows them to stand closer to the sink.
*

584.
You're so bald, that when you wear a turtleneck, you look like a stick
of roll-on deodorant.
*

585.
If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a Windows box crashed...

Oh, wait a minute, he already does.
*

586.
Dear Boss,
I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be 
honest, boss, none of this Y to K dates problem makes any sense to me.

At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the 
company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the 
following improved months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk. In addition,
I have changed the days of the week, and they are now: Sundak, Mondak,
Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.

Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the 
New York Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be 
Y2K ready?
*

587.
You have just received the "Kentucky Virus"!!!

As we ain't got no programin' experience, this here Virus works on 
the honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard drive, and
manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.

Thanks for your cooperation.
*

588.
Young Judy, the editor of a trivia publication, was having trouble 
with her computer. So she called Prem, the computer guy, over to her 
desk. Prem clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, Judy called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

And he replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

A puzzled expression ran riot over Judy's face. "An ID ten T error? 
What's that ... in case I need to fix it again??"

He gave her a grin... ;-) "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T 
error before?"

"No," replied Judy.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

(She wrote...)I D 1 0 T
*

589.
Dear God: Yesterday was an awful day for me...
My husband ran off with his secretary, 
My son pierced his eyebrow,
My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head,
My dog mated with the neighbors cat,
My neighbor sold her house to a mental institution,
My Mom told me I was adopted,
My Dad told me he's gay,
My boss told me I was laid off,
My sister was arrested for prostitution,
My house has termites,
My car was stolen,
All that came in the mail was bills,
A plane, crash landed on my garage,
OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner,
And my TV blew.

Lord, please be with me today. I was able to live through all that 
misery yesterday. And I will be able to make it through anything 
today! But please....DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!!!!!
AMEN

A programmer enters an elevator, wanting to go to the 12th floor.
So, he pushes 1, then he pushes 2, and starts looking for the Enter....
*

590.
After buying a PC from a dealer of shady shady repute, the luckless 
customer unpacked his new toy and plugged it in to find it Dead On 
Arrival. Naturally, after checking the usual things, he called the 
dealer and explained his problem. 

First question from Deviously Evasive Dealer: "Did you check to see 
whether the power was on?" 

"Of course." 

DED: "Did you open the cover and check whether any of the boards had 
shaken loose in shipping?" 

"Of course." 

DED: Then why are you calling me?" 

"Well, you sold it to me and there has to be some kind of warranty," 
pleaded the frustrated purchaser. 

"Of course there is," replied the DED, "But you voided the warranty 
when you opened the cover.


"There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.
We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
*

591.
My computer made a funny sound the other day.

Of course, I've never heard it get thrown out a window before.
*

592.
One guy was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed 
a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her 
arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 
15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only 
now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help
and she replied, It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty
minutes ago!
*

593.
Customer: "I'm running Windows '95." 
Tech: "Yes." 
Customer: "My computer isn't working now." 
Tech: "Yes, you said that."
*

594.
I heard that if you play the Windows NT 4.0 CD backwards, you'll get 
a satanic message. But the most frightening thing is that if you play
it forward, it installs NT 4.0!
*

595.
One of Microsoft's finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot 
camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, 
and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came 
from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the 
target.

The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked
at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger 
over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his 
other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled 
toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble 
must be at your end!"
*

596.
Webster's Dictionary definition of Windows 95

Windows95: n. 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit 
patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit 
microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit 
of competition.
*

597.
A customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything.
After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the 
man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the 
screen and pressing the "send" key.
*

598.
Why are there interstates in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Is it ok to use my AM radio after NOON?

What color is a chameleon on a mirror?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
*

599.
Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives 
accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some 
valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent 
out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special 
rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring
in asking, "What trip?"
*

600.
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation 
frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the 
nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, 
he said, "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied, 
"Guess where!"
*

601.
A man is flying from Los Angeles to New York. During the meal service,
accidentally knocked the spoon off to the aisle with his elbow. The 
flight attendant immediately took a spoon from his pocket and placed 
it on his tray table. The man was very impressed by the promptness of
he service and asked, "Do all flight attendants carry a spoon in their
pockets?"

The flight attendant answered, "We had an efficiency expert in to 
evaluate our operation. He determined that 25% of the customers knock 
the spoon off their tray tables. By carrying a spare spoon, we all save
trips to the galley and can be much more efficient."

Later, as the flight attendant is picking his dirty tray up, the 
customer asked, "Excuse me for asking but why do you have a string 
hanging from your fly?"

The flight attendant replied, "The efficiency expert determined that 
we were spending too much time washing our hands after we went to the 
bathroom. To counteract this, we tie strings to our penises."

The customer looked confused. "How does that help?" he asked.

"Well, when I go to the bathroom I just use the string. Since I never 
touched myself I don't need to wash my hands."

The customer nodded and asked, "But how do you get it back in your 
pants?"

The flight attendant smiled, "I don't know about the other guys, but 
I use the spoon."
*

602.
A young lady was conducting a study in to human sexual behavior. She 
came to the conclusion that the best place to find participants for 
the survey would be the airport. After three hours of questioning 
passengers, she sees a pilot walking to his gate. Having heard of the
reputation of pilots she stops him "Excuse me, Captain" she says, "I 
am doing a survey on human sexuality...I was wondering if you could 
answer a few questions..." 

The pilot agrees, and the young lady starts questioning him. After 
three questions, she asks him "...and when was the last time you had 
sex?". 

Straight away the Captain replies "1959". 

The girl was shocked. She looks at the captain and asks "1959 isn't 
that a long time ago?". 

"Oh" the pilot replies "I guess so...but it's only 2015 now..."
*

603.
The Captain was Jewish, and the new First Officer was Chinese. It was
the first time they had flown together, and it was obvious by the 
silence that they didn't get along.

After 30 minutes, the Captain finally spoke. He said, "I don't like 
Chinese."

The F.O. replied, "Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why is that?"

The Captain said, "You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like
Chinese."

The F.O. said, "Nooooo, noooo ... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That
JAPANESE, not Chinese."

And the Captain answered, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ... it 
doesn't matter. They're all alike. "

Another 30 minutes of silence. Finally the First Officer said, "No 
like Jew."

The Captain replied, "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" 

"Jews sink Titanic." Said the F.O.

The Captain tried to correct him, "No, no. The Jews didn't sink the 
Titanic. It was an iceberg."

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg .. no mattah.. all same "
*

604.
During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National 
Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ballpoint 
pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. 
After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was 
developed at a cost of about $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also 
enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth. 

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
*

605.
Southwest Airlines makes humor a high priority. Here are some actual 
humorous statements by airline flight crews: 

"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it`s warm, the sun is shining, and
the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it`s dark, 
windy and raining. Why in the world y`all wanna go there I can`t 
imagine." 

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and 
seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of 
an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." 

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, 
contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to a seat 
outside on the wing of the airplane." 

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking 
in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately." 

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways 
out of this airplane..." 

"If you are so lucky to be traveling with small children..." 

Flight attendant: To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into 
the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, 
and if you don`t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn`t be 
out in public unsupervised. 

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will 
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it 
over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure 
your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two 
small children, decide now which one you love more." 

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the 
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose 
before assisting children or adults acting like children." 

Pilot: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in 
the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...! 

Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am 
going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as 
you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it`s a bit
cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight 
pattern." 

At the end of a flight: "Our flight attendants are now walking 
through the aisles with trash receptacles for any garbage you might 
have or anything else that you might wanna give us!" 

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, 
a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!" 

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your 
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." 

"Last one off the plane must clean it."
*

606.
At one of the packed, Delta ticket counters all of ticket agents were
doing their best to politely process each passenger as quickly as 
they could. A man toward the end of the snaking line of passengers 
was obviously impatient and very frustrated at having to wait so long
in the slow moving line. He finally decided to march right up to the 
counter pulling his wheeled suitcase and demanded that he be given 
his boarding pass. The ticket agent turned, looked at him, blinked, 
took a shallow, deep breath and said, "Sir, as you can see there are 
many passengers ahead of you. We are doing our best to process the 
passengers as fast as we can. I'm afraid you'll have to get back in 
line". 

Outraged and red in the face, the man yelled at the ticket agent 
saying, "Do you know who I am ???!!!." 

The ticket agent turned, looked at him, blinked, took another shallow,
deep breath, picked up the public address system microphone and said 
calmly, "There is a man at the Delta ticket counter who does not know
who he is. Anyone who may be able to identify this man is asked to 
please step forward and identify him. Thank you".
*

607.
A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to 
Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his
mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby 
cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" 

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the 
stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby 
dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby 
planes?" 

The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" 

He said that his mother had. 

So the stewardess said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls
out on time."
*

608.
There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another
dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.

When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street 
and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are, they went 
up to ask her why she was crying she said "A rock fell from the sky, 
landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." 

The men said they were very sorry to here that and walked away.

The next house they came across a little further down the road there 
was another woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are, they walk up 
to her and asked her why she was crying she said "A brick fell from 
the sky, landed on my dog , and now my dog is dead." 

The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away.

The next house they came across a little further down the road there 
was a man laughing his head off. Wondering what was so funny they 
went up to ask him.

After they asked him he replied, "I bent over to get the news paper 
this morning , I farted and my whole house blew up!"
*

609.
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner 
are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get 
underway. 

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and 
begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear
to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers
right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is 
using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some 
sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines 
start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The 
passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among 
themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for 
reassurance. 

Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin 
panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer 
and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and
more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of 
runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as 
everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane 
lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to
the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going 
to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
*

610.
A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the 
airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave 
the agent her luggage, she made the remark, "I'd like you to send 
my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London."

The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't do that."

"Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that's 
exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"
*

611.
Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His 
sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he 
returned to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the 
counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated
that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in the airport. 

"How come?," his nephew asked.

"My plane has been grounded," Brendan explained.

"Grounded?" the little boy said. "I didn't know planes had parents."
*

612.
Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger 
noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was kept lit during the 
whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one.

Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it.

"Well," she explained, "up front there are 17 University of 
California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend. In back, there
are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you do?"
*

613.
A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and 
generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around
the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the nair, "Anything 
you can do, I can do better."

The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot." The B-52 
continued its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"

"I just shut down two engines, kid."
*

614.
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area.
Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse
named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, 
Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. 

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. 

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. 

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse 
easily dragged the car out of the ditch. 

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the 
farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. 

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the 
only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!" 
*

615.
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where 
the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma 
couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed 
to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started 
leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, 
straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. 

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the 
family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started 
leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a 
pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. 

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi 
Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" 

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the 
nephew, "They won't let me fart." 
*

616.
A doctor was walking down the street one day when he noticed coming 
towards him one of his 85 year old patients with a very beautiful, 
well-built young lady on his arm. He was looking the happiest he had 
ever seen him. When the old guy noticed the doctor he went up to him 
and said, "Well Doc. I took your advice and look at me." Puzzled, 
the doctor asked what the advice was. 

"You told me to get a hot Mama and be very cheerful," he replied. 

"Oh no. I told you that you had got a heart murmur and to be very 
careful." 
*

617.
There was a little old lady standing at a corner. She had both hands 
holding her hat on while the wind blew her dress up around her waist. 

A dignified southern gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you should 
be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around, being 
indecent, while both hands hold your hat." 

She said, "Look mister, everything down there is seventy years old; 
this hat is brand new!" 
*

618.
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their 
decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding 
and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. 
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" 

The pharmacist answers "Yes". 

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" 

Pharmacist: "Of course we do." 

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" 

Pharmacist: "All kinds." 

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? " 

Pharmacist: "Definitely." 

Jacob: "How about Viagra?" 

Pharmacist: "Of course." 

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?" 

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." 

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for 
Parkinson's disease?" 

Pharmacist: "Absolutely." 

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?" 

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." 

Jacob says to the pharmacist: "Good, we'd like to use this store as 
our Bridal Registry!" 
*

619.
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be 
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 
Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of 
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in 
high-powered vacuum cleaners. 

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she 
proceeded to close the door.. 

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and 
pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you 
have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a 
bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum 
cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your 
carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." 

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned 
good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.." 
*

620.
Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been 
married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. 
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring,and 
she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a 
seat while she prepared a little tea. 

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut 
glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water 
floated, of all things, a condom. 

Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss 
Bea had flipped or something...! 

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The 
pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its 
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could 
resist no longer. 

"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" 
(pointing to the bowl). 

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown 
last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The 
directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would 
prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter." 
*

621.
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & 
settled down in their old neighborhood. 

To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their 
old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared 
& where he had carved "I love you, Sally". 

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car 
practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don't know 
what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, 
& its fifty-thousand dollars. 

The husband says: "We've got to give it back". 

She says, "Finders keepers" & puts the money back in the bag & hides 
it up in their attic. 

The next day, two FBI men are going from door-to-door in the 
neighbourhood looking for the money show up at their home. 

One knocks on the door & says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find 
any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?" 

She says: "No".. 

The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." 

She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." 

But the agents sit the man down & begin to question him. 

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning." 

The old man says: "Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school 
yesterday ..." 

At this, the FBI guy looks at his partner & says: 
"We're outta here ..." 
*

622.
On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the 
door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For 
this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said: 
"That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll 
give you back the other ten?" 

So God agreed. 

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, 
do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year 
life span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a 
pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the 
Dog did?" 

And God agreed. 

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the 
field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have 
calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will 
give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said: "That's kind of a 
tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and 
I'll give back the other forty?" 

And God agreed again. 

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry 
and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man 
said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the 
forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten 
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" 

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it." 

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy 
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our 
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the 
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch 
and bark at everyone. 

Life has now been explained to you. 
*

623.
Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers: 

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim,5'-4" 
(used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing 
companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. 

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, 
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running 
condition, but walks well. 

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband 
looking for someone to round out a six- unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, 
shortness of breath not a problem. 

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, 
yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, 
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. 

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a 
dedicated flossier to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel 
candy. 

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my 
Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If 
you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together 
and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can 
remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. 
*

624.
Zoo visitor: What's the new baby hippo's name? 
Hippopotamus keeper: I don't know, he won't tell me.
*

625.
You don't see many reindeer in zoos, do you?
No. They can't afford the admission.
*

626.
A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage
at the zoo. The father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers 
are, and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression. 

"Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate
you up ..." 

"Yes, son?" the father said expectantly. 

"What bus should I take home?" the boy finished.
*

627.
Zoo Keeper: "I've lost one of my elephants"
Other Zoo Keeper: "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
Zoo Keeper: "Don't be silly, he can't read!"
*

628.
What did the zoo keeper say when he saw four elephants walking over
the hill towards him wearing sunglasses?

Nothing, he didn't recognize them!
*

629.
Little Jordan wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents, Al 
and Elaine, for days. Finally Elaine talked Jordan's reluctant father 
into taking him. 

And so Jordan and Al got into the car and left.

"So how was it?" Elaine asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Jordan replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked Elaine.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Jordan, excitedly, 
"especially when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!
*

630.
What's the difference between a Northern zoo and a Southern zoo?

In a Northern zoo you have the name of the animal and the Latin name 
underneath. 

In a Southern zoo you haven the name of the animal and a recipe underneath.
*

631.
FRED: Did I ever tell you about the time I came face to face with a 
very fierce gorilla?

BERT: No, what happened?

FRED: Well, I stood there, without a gun . . . The gorilla looked at
me and snarled and roared and beat his chest. Then it came closer and
closer . . .

BERT: What did you do?

FRED: Oh, I'd had enough, so I moved on to the next cage.
*

632.
When an ape visits his tailor, what kind of a suit does he order?

A zoo-t suit!
*

633.
What did the Hollywood producer say to the Apes in the zoo when they 
refused to sign contracts to appear in his new film?

Stop playing it cagey!
*

634.
A Scotsman paying his first visit to a zoo stopped by one of the cages

"An' whut animal would that be?" he asked the keeper.

"Thats a moose from Canada", came the reply.

"A moose!!", exclaimed the Scotsman. "Hoots, mon, if that's a moose 
then they must ha' rats the size of elephants over there!"
*

635.
Caller: Finally! I got through! I've been trying to call the zoo for hours!

Zookeeper: Yes, all our lions were busy!
*

636.
Sauer and Tolbert went to the zoo and watched in awe as a lion let loose 
with a spine-tingling roar. 

"Let's get out of here!" said Sauer. 

"Go on, if'n you want to," said the other redneck. "But Ah'm stayin' for 
the whole movie!"
*

637.
Fred's class was taken to the Natural History Museum in New York. 

"Did you enjoy yourself?" asked her mother when she got home. 

"Oh, yes," replied Fred. "But it was funny going to a dead zoo."
*

638.
Did you hear about the TV show with FBI agents and witches?

It's called The Hex-Files.
*

639.
Q. What did the fog say to the light rain after her vacation?

A. I mist you.
*

640.
What are the hottest days during summer?

Sun-days
*

641.
Q:What did the tornado say to the car? 

A:You wanna go for a spin?
*

642.
What is hail? 

Hard boiled rain!
*

643.
It only rains twice a year in Seattle: 

August through April and May through July.
*

644.
Jill: How did you find the weather on your vacation?

Bill: I just went outside and there it was!
*

645.
Q: What's the difference between a horse and the weather? 

A: One is reined up and the other rains down.
*

646.
Q: What did the thermometer say to the other thermometer?

A: You make my temperature rise.
*

647.
Q. What's the difference between 'weather' and 'climate'? 

A. You can't 'weather' a tree, but you can 'climate'
*

648.
Q. What did one tornado say to the other? 
A. "Let's twist again, like we did last summer...."
*

649.
The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from 
the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor 
dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. 

Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived 
on the farm with her son and three grandchildren. One day, her son came
into her room holding a letter. 

"I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an 
agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land 
is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or 
disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?" 

"What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now 
and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of 
those Canadian winters!"
*

650.
There's a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy 
days. 

It's called Monday.
*

651.
What is the New Mexican weather report?

Chili today, hot tamale.
*

652.
If six children and two dogs were under an umbrella, how come none 
of them got wet?

Because it wasn't raining.
*

653.
A man was driving a black truck. His lights were not on. The moon was 
not out. A lady was crossing the street. How did the man see her?

It was a bright, sunny day.
*

654.
Waiter, this coffee tastes like dirt!

Yes sir, thats because it was only ground this morning.
*

655.
"Waiter!" shouted the furious diner, "How dare you serve me this! 
There's a TWIG in my soup!"

"My apologies," said the waiter. "I'll inform the branch manager."
*

656.
Sir you haven't touched your custard.

I'm just waiting for the fly to stop using it as a trampoline
*

657.
Waiter, there is a bee in my alphabet soup!

Yes sir, and I'm sure there is an A, C and all the other letters too!
*

658.
Waiter, there is a fly in my wine!

Well you did ask for something with a little body in it!
*

659.
Waiter, is there soup on the menu?

No, madam I wiped it off!
*

660.
"Waiter! Have you got frogs' legs?" 

"No, sir, I always walk this way"
*

661.
A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone. 
One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he 
looked down and there sat a snail and it said "it is quite cold out 
here can I come in?" 

the man shouted "NO why don't you all understand I want to be alone!" 
and he kicked the snail down the mountain. 

One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and 
then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said, 
"What did you do that for?"
*

662.
A lion was getting rather old and slow and having difficulty catching 
its prey. It decided it needed a disguise so that other animals did 
not know it was a lion and would not run away. So it goes into a fancy 
dress shop and buys a gorilla suit. It then heads for a watering hole 
to see if it can catch something with its new disguise. 

On the way it comes across two eagles sitting on a rock. One eagle 
says to it "Hi Mr. Lion!" The other said, "Where did you get the 
gorilla suit?" 

The lion, rather frustrated, asks, "How did you know I was a lion?" 

The eagles then started to sing, "You can't hide your lion eyes".
*

663.
Q. What did the snail say when he hitched a ride on the turtle?

A. Wheeeee!!!!!
*

664.
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to 
eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a 
book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly 
pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.

Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.
*

665.
There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river 
deep in the jungle. For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites 
the elephant's tail, really hard. 

Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same 
river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that 
bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river. 

The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, 
sending him flying way off into the jungle. 

"Why did you do that?" the giraffe asks. 

"When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason," the 
elephant replied. 

"Wow! You must have a good memory!" exclaimed the giraffe.

"Yep!" said the elephant. "I've got Turtle-Recall."
*

666.
A family of tortoises went into a cafe for some ice cream. They sat 
down and were about to start when Father Tortoise said, "I think it's 
going to rain. Junior, will you pop home and fetch my umbrella?" 

So off went junior for Father's umbrella, but three days later he 
still hadn't returned. "I think, dear," said Mother Tortoise to Father 
Tortoise, "that we had better eat junior's ice cream before it melts." 

And a voice from the door said, "If you do that I won't go."
*

667.
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather?
A: An offer you can't understand.
*

668.
Why Does Ariel wear seashells?
Because she can't fit into D-shells
*

669.
Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the
night before.

The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so 
I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, 
waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for 
being out so late."

The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"

The second man replied, "I turned out the light."
*

670.
During a recent password audit, our I.T. discovered a blonde was using the 
following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

When they asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had 
to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
*

671.
A blonde girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and 
says: "Mummy today at school we learned how to count. Well, all the other 
girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5, 6,7,8,9,10! It's 
good, innit?"

"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.

"Is that because I'm blonde?" she asks.

"Yes, darling, it's because you're blonde." The mom says.

Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at 
school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but 
listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! It's good, innit?"

"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.

"Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?" she asks.

"Yes, darling it's because you're blonde." The mom says.

Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming. 
Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds to 
flash her impressive 36D at her mummy.

"Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?"

"No darling, it's because you're 25."
*

672.
A blind man enters a Ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and 
orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: 
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the 
woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just 
fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 LB. blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a proffesional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a proffesional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares: "Nah, not 
if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".
*

673.
Q: Why was the blonde so happy after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in 
only six months?

A: Because on the box it said From 2 to 4 years.
*

674.
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like 
to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry,we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the 
salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," 
he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this 
time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few 
days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. 

Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
*

675.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?

A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk".
*

676.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and so they carry on
shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and 
puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
*

677.
A man with a cucumber in his ear, a carrot in his nose, and a tomato in his 
eye walks into the doctor's office. He says, "Doc, I'm not feeling well. 
What's wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "First of all, you're not eating right...."
*

678.
A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She's just skating 
along in her lycra pants, smiling at everyone, listening to her Walkman.

She decides that she really needs a haircut. She skates into the first salon 
she sees and goes up to the hairdresser and says, "I need a haircut."

The hairdresser checks her out and says, "OK, sit down and take off your 
headphones."

"No way!" shouts the blonde, "If I take off my headphones, I'll die!" 

"Then I can't give you a haircut," replies the hairdresser.

So the blonde gets up and leaves and skates further down the board-walk. She 
sees another salon, goes in, and says to the hairdresser, "I need a haircut... 
but you can't take off my headphones or I'll die!"

The hairdresser looks at her a little weird, but says, "OK, no problem. Have 
a seat." 

So the blonde sits down and the hairdresser comes up behind her, and when she 
isn't looking, rips the headphones off her head. Suddenly the blonde starts 
choking, and soon turns blue in the face, then keels over and dies right 
there in the salon chair. The hairdresser is a little freaked by this. The 
hairdresser leans over and cautiously listens into the blonde's headphones 
and hears...

"Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out..."
*

679.
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices large sign on the wall:

$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye.

She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell 
breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the 
customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says,

"You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in 
ten years we've been out of rye bread!"
*

680.
It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercising 
the brain is as important as exercising muscles. As we grow older, it's 
important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is
 a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The 
spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. 
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

-1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. 
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

-2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk"

What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next 
question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content 
yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. 
However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.

-3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from 
blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is 
made from black bricks , what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why the
heck are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.

-4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany 
(If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West 
Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The 
pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a
crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so 
and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between 
East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East 
Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?

Answer: You don't bury survivors.

If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, 
"You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.

-5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford
Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six 
people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off 
and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on . In 
Swansea , three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six 
people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What 
was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!! Now pass this along to all 
your friends and pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!
*

681.
A Pastor goes to a nursing home for the first time to visit an elderly 
parishioner.

As he is sitting there, he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and 
takes one. As they continue their conversation, he can't help himself and 
eats one after another.

By the time they are through visiting, the bowl is empty. He says, "Mrs. 
Jones, I'm so sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts."

"That's O.K.," she says. "They would have just sat there anyway.

Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back 
in the bowl.
*

682.
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser
pulled her over and walked up to the car. The police officer also happened 
to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.

The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to
the blonde policewoman "What does a driver's license look like?" Irritated, 
the blonde cop said "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"

The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small 
rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, 
Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde 
policewoman.

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, 
"You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we 
could have avoided all this hassle.
*

683.
A blonde woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks, 
"What is that?"

The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos."

The blonde then asks, "What does it do?"

The clerk says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." So she buys
one.

The next day, she brings it to work with her.

Her boss, also a blonde, asks, "What is that shiny object?"

She replies, "It's a thermos."

He asks, "What does it do?"

She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

He then asks, "What do you have in there?"

She says, "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."
*

684.
Things Only A Mom Can Teach

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION....
"Just wait until your father gets home!"

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back 
to me!"

My Mother taught me LOGIC ...
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store 
with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE....
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, you're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD ...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me about ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold."

My Mother taught me HUMOR ...
"When the lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never growup."

My Mother taught me about SEX...
"How do you think you got here?"

My Mother taught me about GENETICS....
"You're just like your father!"

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS....
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about the WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And my all time favorite ... JUSTICE....
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....
then you'll see what it's like."
*

685.
Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out 
to the other, "Hey -- Nice bike! Where did you get it?"

"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this 
pretty, young co-ed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of 
her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!!' "

"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
*

686.
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her 
paintings that were on display.

"Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news 
is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in
value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your 
paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The gentleman was your doctor."
*

687.
Divorce Whisperer

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, 
"What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the 
property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's 
parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed 
one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like 
the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. 
My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
*

688.
How to Handle Stress

Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here.

No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of 
serenity.

The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding 
under the water.

There now......feeling better?
*

689.
A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the
blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a 
minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. 
We're gonna build a house."
*

690.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had 
broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no no !" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house 
without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
*

691.
Interesting Questions

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when 
the empty gun is thrown at him?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're 
just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into 
telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of 
the water?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are 
getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is 
not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but 
check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are 
always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that 
something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum 
cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give 
the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping 
cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, 
it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off 
the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when 
we complained about the heat?
*

692.
There was once a magic mirror in a ladies room in a bar. If one stood in 
front of this mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if
one tells a lie, *POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never
 to be seen again.

A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before 
the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." 
*POOF* The mirror swallows her.

Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think 
I'm the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror swallows her.

Then an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror 
and says, "I think..." *POOF*
*
693.
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. 
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store 
owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-
store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and 
noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid 
with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied. 

She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?

"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!"
*

694.
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The 
manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and
 said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the
broom - I'll show you how."
*

695.
Efficiency Expert

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You 
don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. 
"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets,
often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't 
you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make 
breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
*

696.
Wedding Dress

Betty was soon to be married.

More than anything, she wanted to wear the wedding dress her mother was 
married in. Betty's mother was beaming with pride as she gave her consent.

Later in the evening, the family gathered in the living room to wait while 
Betty tried on the dress.

When Betty entered the room, there was a chorus of approval. The dress fit 
perfectly and looked wonderful on her.

Tears ran down the face of Betty's mother.

Seeing this, Betty said, "Don't worry Mom, you're not losing a daughter, 
your gaining a son."

"Forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit into that dress!"
*

697.
Bank Name

Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for 
her birthday.

"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was 
delighted.

"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so 
you fill out the application."

Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former 
bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'
*

698.
This week we celebrate a special birthday. Monica Lewinsky turned 45.

Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around 
the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?
*

699.
A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for 
a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be 
imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton 
in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should 
call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet 
and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, 
"This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, 
they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We 
are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if 
it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."

The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of 
important."

"Well, who was it?"

"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."
*

700.
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two 
statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared 
before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary 
statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your 
greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do 
whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life.

The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove 
behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the 
two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.

After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and 
smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You 
still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon 
down and I'LL poop on its head!"
*

701.
Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city.
This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, 
level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, 
level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, 
level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, 
level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, 
level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40. 

One day the owner of the building decided to get a PA system installed on 
every level, in case there was ever a fire and everyone in the building 
needed to be contacted at once. The system was installed on every level: 
level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, 
level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, 
level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, 
level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, 
level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, 
level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40. 

One day, an employee named John was doing some paperwork on the 21st level 
when he saw the pager for the PA system in his boss's office. He could not 
resist. He picked up the pager, turned it on, cleared his throat, and told 
a joke. It was funniest joke anyone in the building had ever heard. They 
were rolling in the aisles, laughing their heads off. The accountants on 
level 3 were in tears. The engineers on level 34 were in hysterics. In fact, 
workers on every level -- level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, 
level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, 
level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, 
level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, 
level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, 
level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40 -- could not 
stop laughing. 

He walked out the door of his boss's office, feeling all proud of himself, 
when who should he run into but his boss. "John, come with me now!" John 
relunctantly followed his boss back into his office. His boss looked at him 
with fury in his eyes. "John," he said, "your joke was very disruptive to 
the workers in this building! Productivity was decreased on level 1, level 2,
level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, 
level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, 
level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, 
level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, 
level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, 
level 39, and level 40! You're fired! Clean out your desk and get out!" But 
then his frown softened and he added, "Still, I have to admit, that joke was
funny on so many levels."
*

702.
Three tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, they started 
arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and 
forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter one asked the blonde employee, "Before we 
order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please 
pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiiiing."
*

703.
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to 
come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave 
me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after
 him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T 
error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error 
before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote out ......

I D 1 0 T
*

704.
Ole vas vorking at da fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidently cut off
all ten off his fingers.

He vent to da emergency room at da Clinic and vhen he got dere da Norsky 
doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's haf da fingers and I'll see vhat I 
can do."

Ole said, "I hafn't got da fingers."

"Vhat do you mean, you hafn't got da fingers?" the doctor cried. "Yumpin' 
yiminy! It's 2018! Ve got microsurgery and all kinds off incredible 
techniques. I could haf put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't 
you bring da fingers?"

To vhich Ole replied...

(Are you ready for dis???)
"How da fock was I suppose to pick'em up?"
*

705.
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She 
gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he 
arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to 
hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full 
and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she asks, running her 
hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there 
anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, 
popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them 
gently. "Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in 
the ladies room."
*

706.
One night, Pinnochio's girlfriend says to him, "This stinks. Every time we 
make love I get splinters."

So Pinnochio goes to Gepetto to ask his advice. Gepetto says, "Sandpaper, 
my boy, that's all you need."

A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio and says, "So how are you 
doing with the girls now?"

Pinnochio says, "Who needs girls?"
*

707.
A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner.

His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her
Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 
years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I 
think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you 
still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 
ten years ago."
*

708.
A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on 
a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big 
feet are well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on 
out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody 
ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
*

709.
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing 
out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the 
male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule 
will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be 
fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are 
there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

"How much for a season pass?"
*

710.
For everyone who has ever had an evaluation or performance review just 
remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from 
United States Federal Government employee performance evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has 
started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of definite 
won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in 
a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve 
them."

9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot."

10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

12. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking 
for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
*

711.
Q: What's the difference between roast beef & pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.
*

712.
So a guy calls into work and says, "I can't come in today, I'm seeing spots."

"Have you seen a doctor?"

"No, just the spots."
*

713.
Three Kiwis and three Aussies are traveling by train to a conference. At 
the station, the three Aussies each buy tickets and watch as the three Kiwis 
buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an Aussie.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a Kiwi.

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all 
three Kiwis cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting 
tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says,"Ticket, please." The door 
opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The 
conductor takes it and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the 
conference, the Aussies decide to copy the Kiwis on the return trip and save 
some money (being clever with money,and all that). When they get to the 
station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment,
the Kiwis don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Aussie. 
Watch and you'll see," answers a kiwi.

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a bathroom and the 
three Kiwis cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly 
afterward, one of the Kiwis leaves his bathroom and walks over to the 
bathroom where the Aussies are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
*

714.
What a woman says:

"This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, "C'MON!
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!"
*

715.
A gentleman was just out of surgery for a appendicitus. His wife sat calmly 
beside him holding his hand while she waited for him to wake up. A few 
minutes later she looked over and his eyes were fluttering. He opened them, 
looked directly at her and said "Hi Beautiful" and went back to sleep.

Well, a little startled and blushing, the wife wondered what he was thinking
as he hadn't said anything that sweet to her in ages. A few minutes later, 
his eyes opened again, and he looked over and said, "Hi ya Cutie". then 
proceeded to fall back to sleep.

Feeling a bit hurt with the downgrade from beautiful to cutie, the wife 
patiently waited. When he woke up again, she said, "Honey, why did you 
downgrade me from Beautiful to Cutie just a few minutes ago."

And without missing a beat, the husband looked at her and said, "The drugs 
are wearing off."
*

716.
The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office. "You know, 
Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must 
be at least a thousand."

"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from
scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions," the medic said.

"Hell, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your Lamborghini."
*

717.
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, the minister heard
the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 
five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.

Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box
and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the 
deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with 
sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always 
said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather. .and unto the Sonnn . ...... and into 
the hole he gooooes."
*

718.
A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, 
he waited anxiously for the outcome.

The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for 
people like you."

"Oh, great," he said, "What is it?"

"It's called the door!"
*

719.
What's red and looks like a bucket?

A red bucket.
*

720.
The Grieving Wife

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and 
she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you,dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last 
night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any 
last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that darned gun!'"
*

721.
Worries While Flying

Two statisticians were traveling in an airplane from LA to New York. About 
an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, 
but don't worry, there are three left.

However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A 
little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had 
two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York.

Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a 
third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly
on a single engine.

However, it would now take 18 hours to get to new York. At this point, one 
statistician turned to the other and said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that 
last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"
*

722.
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the
city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping
at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have
a pint of stout.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately
residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC 
RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow 
side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides 
to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer,
who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have
to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to 
a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has 
ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, 
and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much 
more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police 
officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English 
hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French
Embassy."
*

723.
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three."

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after 
ten?"

"A jack," says lil' Johnny
*

724.
Q: How do you make a hot dog stand?

A: Take away its chair.
*

725.
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to 
make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the 
blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position 
the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
*

726.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to 
become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole
world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level,
stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
*

727.
Q: What do giraffes have that no other animal has?

A: Baby giraffes.
*

728.
I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength 
in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on. 
The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on a 
comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from 
your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full 
minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position 
for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb. potato 
sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato
sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.
*

729.
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided 
to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Señor, I would like the world's
best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I?d like the best beer in the world, give me 
'The King of Beers', a Budweiser."

The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I?d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain 
spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."

The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you 
drinking a Molson's?"

The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking
beer, neither would I."
*

730.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT: You must first remove 
the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights
to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which 
would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, 
let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how 
good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the 
oven using these keystrokes:

mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat

Then enter:

ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press start. 
The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients 
of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of the dinner, and the 
desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time 
and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must
be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven 
and enter:

ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap

This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then 
doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your oven vendor. The 
oven itself is obviously on the blink.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than 
the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty.
These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your 
oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken 
variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft 
Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. 
Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their 
chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. 
Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in 
Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that 
version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in 
advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, 
causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your 
freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
*

731.
A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor 
examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll 
insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening."

Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository. 
She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the 
suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks, "Aahhhhh!"

"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks.

"No... I just realised that the doctor had *both* his hands on my shoulders!"
*

732.
A fire fighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he 
noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung 
off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was 
wearing a fire fighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice 
fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl replied.

The fire fighter looked a little closer. The fireman noticed the girl had 
tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the fire fighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to 
run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I 
think you could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I 
wouldn't have a siren."
*

733.
A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, "I think my dog is dead". The 
doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a 
box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move. "Yes, your dog
is dead," says the doctor.

"How much do I owe you?" the lady asks.

"$345," says the doctor.

"$345!!?" the lady asks.

"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."
*

734.
Q: Mrs. Bigger had a baby. Which one was bigger?

A: The baby. It was a little Bigger.
*

735.
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could 
buy him a drink.

"Why of course", comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have 
another round to Scotland."

"Of Course", replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?"

"Aberdeen", comes the reply.

"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too! Let's have
another drink to Aberdeen."

"Of course", replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and 
graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacClyde twins are drunk again."
*

736.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it FED UPS?

Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film.

How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?

If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, 
"Quit while your ahead"?!

If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
*

737.
The train was packed, and the U. S. Marine Walked the entire length looking 
for a seat, but a well-dressed, Middle-aged, French woman's poodle took the 
Only seat remaining.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"The French woman 
just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My 
little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was Under 
that dog."Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."She snorted, "Not 
only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

The next time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little 
Dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American In 
his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to 
have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong 
hand, you drive your vehicles on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, 
you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
*

738.
WATER...... 

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter Of water each 
day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more Than 1 kilo of 
Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, 
We are consuming 1 kilo of poop!

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, 
Vodka, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a 
Distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

It is better to drink wine and talk sh*t
than to drink water and be full Of sh*t.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, 
I am doing This as a public service.
*

739.
Top Ten Signs You Might Not Be Ready To Join The US Air Force

10. You're afraid of loud noises, heights, and airplanes 

9. For you, the thrill of flight is the little package of salted nuts

8. In high school, you were voted "queasiest"

7. You don't mind flying once you've had a few drinks

6. You pass out from G-Forces incurred from riding an escalator

5. Whenever you see an "eject" lever you impulsively pull it

4. Show up to the recruiting center carrying a seatbelt extender

3. Your primary reason for enlisting is "to meet Iron Man"

2. You giggle every time you say, "cockpit"

1. Out motto, "aim high" -- your motto, "I'm high"
*

740.
A redneck goes to a pharmacist and says, " I got a hot date tonight, an' 
I need me some pertection. How much is a pack o' dem rubbers gonna cost me?

The pharmacist responds, "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."

To which the redneck replies, "TACKS! Gawd a'mighty,...........
don't they stay on by therself.
*

741.
The nuns at the local convent had their daily annoucement session. The 
mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious frown
on her face. She began to speak...

Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here, yesterday.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men's underwear.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: And I also found a condom.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: And it has been used!
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.

Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!
1 nun: Oh, No!
99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!.....
*

742.
Understanding the Signs

Over the years, my husband and I have usually managed to decode the cute but
confusing gender signs sometimes put on restaurants' restroom doors (Buoys 
and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but every so often we get stumped.

Recently my husband Dave wandered off in search of the men's room and found 
himself confronted by two marked doors. One was labeled "Bronco," and the 
other was designated "Cactus." Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant 
employee passing by.

"Excuse me; I need to use the restroom," Dave said. Gesturing toward the 
doors, he asked, "Which one should I use?"

"Actually, we would prefer you to go there," the employee said, pointing to 
a door down the hall marked "Men."

"Bronco and Cactus are private dining rooms."
*

743.
New Math?

A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission.

He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition."

In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, 
"Now that's subtraction."

Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.

And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication."

Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.

He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"
*

744.
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can 
get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How 
long before I get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two 
hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long 
before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half."

The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow 
that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
*

745.
An auto mechanic received a repair order that read: "Check for clanking 
sound when going around corners."

Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment 
later he heard a 'clunk.'

He then made a left turn and again heard a 'clunk.'

Back at the shop he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem.

Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with the 
notation, "Removed bowling ball from trunk."
*

746.
These great questions and answers are from the days when theHollywood 
Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are 
now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of 
the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a 
woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you 
think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's 
married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands 
while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give
you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get 
any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. 
One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the 
habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected..

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what
was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him...

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has 
actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
*

747.
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a 
local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched 
Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then
the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more 
the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer 
nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car
out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why
he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

"Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, 
he wouldn't even try!"
*

748.
The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor 
malady.

For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both 
staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every 
order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a 
private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the 
light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities 
interfered with his rest... and on, and on.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, 
General."

After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the 
thermometer.

"Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other 
end."

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent 
that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to 
proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and 
don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew.

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his 
bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?"

"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
the general barked.

"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"
*

749.
An old man was in his golden years, but that didn't stop him from trying to 
pick up the younger ladies. He went to the local bar, approached a very 
pretty and very young woman and said, "Where have you been all my life?"

The young lady takes one glance at him and says, "For the first half of it, 
I wasn't even born yet."
*

750.
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he 
is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the 
effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of 
night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Don't take life too seriously..........no one makes it out alive anyway!!!
*

751.
A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and was 
explaining it to a prospective patient. He told her, "I'll install a 
special screw in the top of your skull. Your hair will cover it so it will
be unnoticed. Whenever you need a little tuck, we'll just tighten the screw
a little,... and the wrinkles will disappear!"

The woman was enthused and told the doctor to, "GO FOR IT!" The surgery was 
a resounding success, and the woman went home happy.

A few months later, the woman returned in a great state of agitation. She 
pointed to her face and said, "Just look at these bags under my eyes! Where 
the hell did they come from?"

The surgeon looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't BAGS under your 
eyes. Those are your breasts. And if you keep messing around with that 
screw,... pretty soon you'll have a goatee!"
*

752.
Why did the Pilgrims create Thanksgiving?
They wanted another excuse to watch football.
*

753.
What was the greatest accomplishment of the early Romans?
Speaking Latin!
*

754.
Where did the Pilgrims land when they came to America?
On their feet!
*

755.
Why does history keep repeating itself?
Because we weren't listening the first time!
*

756.
Who succeeded the first President of the USA?
The second one!
*

757.
If Atlas supported the world on his shoulders, who supported Atlas?
His wife.
*

758.
When did Caesar reign?
I didn't know he reigned.
Of course he did, didn't they hail him?
*

759.
Why did the ROmans build straight roads?
So their soldiers didn't go around the bend!
*

760.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
Toga-ether we can rule the world!
*

761.
Why were the early days of history called the dark ages?
Because there were so many knights!
*

762.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So no one could corner him!
*

763.
Who invented King Arthur's round table?
Sir Circomference!
*

764.
What was King Arthur's favourite game?
Kinghts and crosses!
*

765.
What was Camelot?
A place where people parked their camels.
*

766.
What was Camelot famous for?
Its knight life.
*

767.
When were King Arthur's armies too tired to fight?
When they had lots of sleepless knights.
*

768.
What English King invented the fireplace?
Alfred the grate
*

769.
Whose son was Edward, the Black Prince?
Old King Coal
*

770.
What was the first thing Queen Elizabeth did on ascending to the throne?
Sat down.
*

771.
Where was the Magna Carta signed?
At the bottom.
*

772.
I'm learning ancient history.
So am I. Let's go for a walk and talk over old times.
*

773.
My teacher reminds me of history.
She's always repeating herself.
*

774.
The Spanish explorers went 'round the world in a galleon.
How many galleons did they get to the mile?
*

775.
How did Columbus's men sleep on their ships?
With their eyes shut.
*

776.
What did Napoleon become when he was 41 years old?
A year older on his birthday.
*

777.
Who gave the Liberty Bell to Philadelphia?
Must have been a duck family.
A duck family?
Didn't you say there was a quack in it?
*

778.
Why did the pioneers cross the country in covered wagons?
They didn't want to wait 40 years for a train.
*

779.
Abraham Lincoln had a very hard childhood. He had to walk 7 miles to
school everyday.
Well, he should have gotten up earlier and caught the school bus like
everyone else did.
*

780.
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
They both have 'the' as their middle names.
*

781.
Where did Napolean keep his armies?
In his sleevies!
*

782.
Three men stood before a judge on a charge of drunk and disorderly conduct
in a public park.
Judge: What were you doing?
1st man: Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond.
Judge: And what were you doing?
2nd man: I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too.
Judge: Sounds harmless. And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well?
3rd man: No, sir. I AM Peanuts!
*

783.
One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two 
men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got 
out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man. 
"We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied. 
"Oh, come along with me then." 
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!" 
"Bring them along! And you, come with me too!", he said to the other man. 
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man answered. 
"Bring them as well!" 
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large 
as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too 
kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." 
The rich man replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about 
three feet tall!"
*

784.
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? 
A Doberman.
*

785.
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? 
Soldier: Sure, buddy. 
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Soldier,
         do you have change for a dollar? 
Soldier: No, SIR!
*

786.
Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots? 
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
*

787.